


To catch you if you slip

by AngelRose27



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bones possible permanent disabling condition, Bones&Jim relationship centered, Broken Leonard McCoy, But I won't let Bones to be actually raped (at least physically), Crew as Family, Crying Bones, Emotionally Hurt James T. Kirk, Emotionally Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Epic Friendship, Epic bromance or, Forced Mind Meld, Gen, Guilty Jim Kirk, Heavy Angst, Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, ICU Bones, Injured Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Jim and Bones fight/argue, Jim fears he will lose Bones forever, Leonard "Bones" McCoy Whump, Leonard is fighting for his life, M for torture, M/M, Memory Loss, Mind Rape, Occasional fanart, Pre-Slash, Protective James T. Kirk, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sick Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Slave Leonard McCoy, The mind rape will do happen though, Worried James T. Kirk, Worried Spock (Star Trek), You Decide, coarse language and violence, hostile aliens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:21:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23503039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelRose27/pseuds/AngelRose27
Summary: Jim Kirk is planning a new expedition to a dangerous moon, much to Bones dismay. That brings some disagreements between them just before the mission hits and quickly turns into something nobody expected. Who will be hurt this time? Will it take the near death of a very close one to make Jim really listen for the first time?Or,Will be the love Jim and Bones have for each other strong enough to bring Bones back to his old self after what happened to him?Just an excuse to have major Whump!Bones (heavy angst) and then loads of Hurt/Comfort - Slow Bones recovery with an overprotective/mother-henning Jim Kirk (and even Spock).Can be read as pre-slash or Epic friendship, you decide (I'm planning to write a slash sequel lol). Happy ending.*Emotional drama: Chapters 1-3.*Major whump starts at chapter 4.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 79
Kudos: 76





	1. Disagreements

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This was the effect the quarantine had on me so this will be my very first published fanfic. I absolutely adore Whump/Hurt/Sick Bones because usually he's the caregiver and it's not very common seeing him as the vulnerable one. I was craving a story like this for a long time and since I couldn't find a great number of said fanfics, I had to write one myself.
> 
> I’m not a native English speaker, and this fanfic is not betaed because I don't know anyone yet, but I really did my best. Correct me if you notice mistakes or just drop any suggestions you think may help to improve the story.  
> This is set at some point after Star Trek into darkness but before Beyond. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of these wonderful characters, no money is being made by this. O.C are mine.

Jim knew something was wrong when he didn't see Bones at the transporter room that afternoon. Bones usually went with him on landing parties but when he didn't, he always was the first one to receive him back, no matter what. Of course, he would be complaining and throwing heavy words on him for his lack of self-preservation, but he never failed to be there.

That day was different though. Jim hadn’t seen Bones in the morning either, nor the day before. He had assumed Leonard had been busy on sickbay, but now Bones was missing _again._

Two days ago Bones had been grumpier than usual when he tried to convince Jim to not go to Erda's STV-0013 moon, but Jim couldn't help it. It was his job.

Jim had promised he would take care of himself, and God knows he had tried. Unfortunately, things had gone exactly as Bones had predicted. The moon had been full of wild species. One moment they were befriending those aliens, the next they were begging for their lives. And of course, problems loved Jim, so he naturally had been chosen to inaugurate the aliens' fest. The cannibals had tied him to a wood fire and he was about to receive the final stab, when Scotty managed to penetrate the moon's shield and beam them all up, saving their asses on the last second.

 _See Bones? It didn't end up in tragedy like you said_ , Jim had thought about remarking, but now the good doctor wasn't there to hear.

Dr. M'Benga was the one who received him back and tended to his minor injuries, he fixed him up in 10 minutes applying the dermal stimulator. Otherwise, Jim was perfectly fine, but he couldn't help missing his best friend.

 _Dr. McCoy is resting,_ M'Benga had said.

So for the rest of the evening, Jim focused on his work, he had a lot of reports to make. Also, his presence was requested in the science lab to plan their next expedition and he didn't have much time to check for Bones.

That night Jim was so tired from the hard day, that he fell asleep against his wish.

*-*

When the next day Bones didn't show up for breakfast either, Jim went on red alert mode. He left his food half-eaten and headed immediately to Bones quarters.

He frowned when he entered his master code in Bones’ room and nobody was there.

The lights were turned off, the bed was made, no wrinkles on the cover, no clothes on the floor, no water glasses on the nightstand. Everything looked perfect, almost like nobody had been there for a while.

He checked the bathroom too, it was clean and organized, and the towel didn't even look used, only Bones' scent filled the place.

Jim felt his stomach turn. Bones had to be somewhere, it was not possible that a crew member just disappeared in the middle of open space, he _had_ to be on the Enterprise.

Jim went out and headed to sickbay. Maybe the medical staff would know something about him.

“Good morning Captain”

“Chapel, how's everything?”, Jim said with less emotion than he had wanted to, as he walked past her.

“I'm doing fine, thanks Sir, how about you?”

Jim didn't answer, he didn't even hear, his mind already busy thinking in Bones.

“What brings you here Sir?” Christine added noticing Jim's restless attitude.

“I cannot find Bones, he isn't in his quarters, I haven't seen him for two days. Do you know where he could be?”

“Oh, If he's not on his quarters he must be resting in the pharmacy”

“The pharmacy?” 

“Yep, he took his first day off in almost two months yesterday morning, but you know him, he's so passionate about his duties that maybe he went to check something there and fell asleep”

“Two months, really? I didn't think it was that much” exclaimed Jim feeling a sudden pang of guilt.

“You know how Leonard is, he wouldn't allow himself to rest until everybody is healthy, and since sickbay has been full of patients, you can only imagine,” said Chapel reading Jim's worried expression.

“I'm going to check the pharmacy then. Thank you Chris” he said quickly walking away.

“You're welcome Captain,” she replied, but Jim was too far away to hear her.

*-*

When Jim checked the pharmacy and Leonard wasn't there he felt even more stressed. Bones just didn't disappear like that.

He went out and asked the people who crossed his path about Leonard and nobody seemed to know.

He thought about calling the doctor out loud through the Enterprise public speakers, or give the staff orders about finding him, but that would probably make Bones even grouchier later. So he decided to personally check every corner of his beloved ship as quickly as his legs could carry him. If he couldn't find him, he would use his rank card.

"Oops, I'm so sorry Spock," Jim said as he bumped into his Vulcan friend "By the way, have you seen Bones?" he added stopping his crazy run, panting a little.

“No Captain I have not seen the doctor,” Spock said collected as always “But I presume he must be tending someone, given the number of patients generated as a result of our expeditions on these strange moons plagued with different types of ectoparasites and-”

“He asked for a shift change with Dr. M'Benga yesterday morning, so he's not on duty. I haven't seen him for two days, Spock, not even at meals, and he wasn't in sickbay resting area, his quarters, or the pharmacy. His room seemed to not be used for a while, I wonder where he slept last night” He said frustrated, a frown on his face.

“Did you ask the console about his location?”

“Yes but the idiot must have turned his communicator off or ran out of battery. His last registered location is from yesterday morning around 0600”.

“Captain, considering the enormous size of this ship, the probability of potential resting places is about 35%, according to the information you delivered, you have only checked 3% of them, as a result, your worry about him is illog-”

“He is acting strange towards me” Jim said, cutting Spock's monologue for the second time, he would deal with Vulcan logic any other day.

“We had a small disagreement three days ago” he kept saying “And now I guess he's trying to avoid me since we returned from the expedition. He wanted me to not go. The thing is I don't know how to tell him about our next goal, you know, our mission to STV-0019 moon”.

Spock couldn't help but raise his eyebrows.

“Captain, I thought we had declined about going to that particular place yesterday. According to the reports, that moon has a lot of acid lakes and its surface is not perfectly stable. No life forms have been described yet. I think Dr. McCoy will have good reasons for refusing to go”.

“I thought the same yesterday Spock, but I got a Starfleet request just twenty minutes ago. They said the main reason we should go there are the Dilithium deposits of the moon, which we have to explore and see if there's a chance they can be safely extracted. I was about to inform you but I need to find Bones first”.

“I understand. But we must be prepared to face complex and unexpected scenarios,” replied the Vulcan like it was no big deal.

“Yeah and I fear Bones' reaction when I tell him. I had mentioned to him last week that moon was on our possible exploration list, but I had not even finished when he started cursing, saying a person had to be nuts to accept going there.”

“Captain, you can also write down a report to Starfleet showing why this mission is extremely dangerous for humanoid life forms, they should exempt us from visiting that place.”

“I don't know, Spock, it's not that easy. You know better than me that questioning direct orders is not very welcome. They said they understood it was dangerous but not impossible” Jim said looking to an unknown point, deep in thought.

“They also said they considered we have the abilities and technology for an exploration of this kind and I believe it too” He kept saying “Anyway Spock, the mission will be designed to last strictly what's necessary to lower the potential risks. We will use our most advanced technology” 

_Jim, you know better than anyone a situation can turn to the worst in a mere second,_ Spock thought about saying, but he decided to keep it to himself. It was not logical to waste time trying to prove a point to someone who already had made a decision, let alone Jim, the most stubborn person he had met in his life, so he stood there looking at him, his face blank.

“Ok, I gotta go and find Bones,” Jim said quickly, feeling a bit uncomfortable, his Vulcan friend had never been good with social rules.

“As you wish Captain, I will inform you if I see the doctor.”

“I'd appreciate that Spock.”

“You are welcome Captain” replied his first officer, entering commands in one of the PADDs.

*-*

Leonard was at the verge of collapsing, the images of all the parasites he had seen in the past months were driving him crazy. He had skipped breakfast and lunch because his stomach was a mess, and he didn't want to repeat the horrible feeling he had experienced the night before when the little food he had eaten, found his way back to the outer world.

The truth was he had been feeling miserable the past four weeks, even though he had kept performing his medical duties the best he could. But now, despite being off duty, nausea and headache wouldn't let him rest. He knew each day would be more difficult than the one before and he had no idea of how much time he could endure like that.

*-*

“Bones! Where the hell are you”, Jim called on the halls of the Enterprise, getting more and more distressed at the lack of an answer.

The ship felt so cold without Bones.

Those schedules were killing them.

“Captain to the bridge” came a voice through his communicator.

“Ag not again” muttered Jim and he couldn't help feeling acid burning his stomach. That was his fourth failed attempt to speak with Bones that day, and now he knew he wouldn't be able to look again for him until his shift was over.

A month ago the doctor had been the one chasing him, with his usual “Hey Jim, what ya say 'bout a drink tonight”, but Jim had been really busy and had to decline every single one of Bones' offers. Then they had had three damn arguments about the expeditions, and despite they had overcome them without affecting their relationship in general, after the last one the doctor seemed to have disappeared.

And it wasn't entirely Jim’s fault, what he could have done? It was his job, they had been exploring the unknown since they had enlisted Starfleet.

Jim blamed the aliens that tried to cook them, they had been pretty close to death this time, he accepted that.

Sighing Jim went back to the bridge.

*-*

It was almost dinner time but Bones didn't feel like eating, let alone seeing Jim Kirk as he usually did. On their good times, they had promised no matter how busy they were, they would spend time together at least three times a week. That night he knew Jim would be waiting for him, but he wasn't in the mood to see the kid. He knew he would end up fighting with him again.

He breathed deep leaning on the cold wall of one of the desolate passageways, trying to calm himself down, but he found he just couldn't. He was about to explode.

He was upset with Jim for constantly walking at the edge of death, but what bothered him the most, was the fact that Jim seemed to not even care, the kid kept going into that unnerving cycle of life-threatening missions and then smiled like nothing had happened. Leonard couldn't take it anymore. He was sick of it.

“Fuck my life” he muttered as his mind wander again into his new favorite subject. No matter how hard he tried, every time he closed his eyes, all he could do was see the exact moment when he unzipped the bag and saw Jim Kirk, his captain and best friend unmoving and _dead._

It had been a year since then but his mind just kept replaying over and over that horrible nightmare. The image sent him to the floor. He sat there and breathed deeply, massaging his temples.

What would he do if in two weeks Jim came to him like that again? This time he wouldn't have more superhuman serums.

His fevered mind recreated every single possibility of his friends being attacked by a lethal specimen or getting injured by strange creatures or circumstances. Jim probably would say something like “Calm down Bones, it's no big deal, these moons haven't killed anyone yet”, but McCoy knew very well that things could change completely in a blink of an eye, and then he would lose his friends the way he had lost his father, he couldn't do that. Not again. Not with Jim.

Suddenly his communicator glowed.

“Bones, are you coming tonight?” Jim's anxious voice came through it.

 _Crap,_ Leonard took his communicator and turned it off. He had forgotten to press that button after he had checked for Jim's location, just five minutes ago. He closed his eyes, cursing his carelessness. He had intended to go as away from him as possible, their arguments were slowly getting more and more heated, and he hated that because Jim was his best friend. He loved him dearly. To say the truth he already missed him.

Leonard lamented his luck because Jim wasn't dumb, he would obviously track his location.

“Why does that kid have to be so stubborn!” He growled. Jim probably wanted to keep talking about the perks of going to that stupid moon he had mentioned the week before and he wasn´t on the mood to argue that point.

The hole on his chest grew even larger.

In the past, Leonard had felt proud of being able to penetrate James Kirk's thick head once an idea had settled into the captain's mind. But now his words seemed to be just wind to Jim's ears. How he missed their old days.

He started feeling the beginning of an anxiety attack. It was getting late, he needed to find a place to sleep that wasn't his quarters, he knew Jim would use his master code and enter there against his will that night for sure. The problem was he felt like his whole body was made of jelly. He leaned even more in the wall.

 _Slow breaths Leonard, in and out, in and out_ he forced himself to repeat. He gave himself a shot of glucose, maybe hypoglycemia was developing on his system. He felt exhausted. After all, he had not eaten very well in the past days, let alone that day. He needed to find a bed or something, and _quickly_.

And then an idea occurred to him. He would go to the back of the ship, to the resting area nobody used. He would have kissed his brain if he could, because even exhausted as it was, still managed to give him brilliant ideas.

*-*

Jim sat at the dinner table, feeling his throat closing in at the lack of response.

Thirty minutes had passed since he had managed to make his message reach Bones. He had decided to control himself and wait for him just a bit more, wishing against all odds to see the good doctor magically appear to share their meal as they used to do, but to his dismay when the clock struck 1930 hours Bones was nowhere to be seen.

It only meant one thing, Bones was hella pissed with him. It wasn't like Bones deliberately ignored his calls, ever.

He took a shaky breath “Indicate last location of Doctor McCoy,” he ordered the console.

“Today at 1900 passageway YD103, USS Enterprise," the unemotional voice said.

“Oh Bones, don't be angry,” Jim muttered blinking to clear his vision.

Normally he wouldn't cry for people or situations, he rarely did, but this was Bones, and he mattered to Jim more than he could ever tell. Those past weeks had been horrible, they had argued more in them, than in all their years of friendship together.

 _I’m gonna find him no matter if tonight I don´t sleep,_ he thought decided as he headed to the doctor's last registered location. He let his food untouched.

*-*

Bones finally made it to the resting area but he couldn't find the force to walk to the bunk beds, he slumped on the floor and reclined against the wall. He would catch his breath first.

He wanted to disappear, he wasn't sure if he wanted to drown in whiskey or tears. Maybe both.

*-*

After checking the passageway number YD103 and finding nothing, Jim kept walking for a while and finally arrived at the back of the Enterprise.

It was the last hallway. He had literally checked his whole ship.

But Bones wasn't there.

At that point, Jim's heart was hammering hard. He closed his fists in frustration. He was about to order a public search for him but then he saw a narrow entrance to his right.

He had almost forgotten there was a resting area there. He sprinted in the room and gasped in pure relief when he finally saw his friend some steps away.

He swallowed dry.

Leonard seemed to not have acknowledged his presence. He was sitting on the floor, his head hidden in his arms.

“Bones”, Jim called when he finally found his voice.

“Bones, what you're doing here?” he managed to say when he controlled himself a bit more and sat on the floor next to his friend.

Leonard took a gulp of air and exhaled slowly “Go away kid” he snorted but didn't bother to look at him.

"Hey, hey, Bones, look at me. What's wrong?” Jim said, placing a hand on Bones' right shoulder, his heart pounding. In all the years that he had known Leonard, the doctor had never driven him away and the fact he was doing it right then made Jim feel nauseous.

“Told you to leave me alone, damn it Jim, can't I have at least one moment of peace?” Bones said pushing Jim's hand away, finally looking at him, his hazel eyes glassy “I'm alright” he growled exasperated.

“And why on earth are you not in your quarters?” Jim said hurt, studying the exhausted face of his friend and feeling guiltier than before. “Bones, you just disappeared for two days, let's give you some food and then I’ll carry you to your quarters, would you mind?” he said.

“Food and sleep won't solve this, ya know it very well James”

Jim felt a punch to his gut at the lack of his nickname, “Listen Bones, I suppose I owe you an apology for yesterday's incident” he said looking down “You were right. I'm so very sorry”

“Dammit kid! Why on earth did ya try to seduce that alien anyway?” Bones finally exploded.

“I didn't try to seduce her Bones. She was disgusting!” Jim exclaimed “She was the princess of her tribe. I was only giving her a sign of our respect, offering her flowers”

“And above all things to choose, you had to pick the one that was offensive to these species!”

“I couldn't have ever guessed that Bones”

“That's exactly what I mean Jim, if you don’t know how those species react, you avoid getting dangerously close to them”

“I did it with the best of my intention. I'm sorry it was my mistake”

“Yeah forget it, that's what you always say. It won't change anything” Bones said defeated.

Jim sighed “I'm trying Bones, this time I had everything almost controlled, it was just an unfortunate accident, it won't happen aga-”

“Ya still wanna go to that creepy moon, Jim?” Bones asked out of the blue, ignoring the blond man's apologies, looking him right in the eye.

Jim felt his throat closing in _._ He hadn't thought Bones would mention their next objective so soon. He wrongly had assumed Bones was only mad at him because he had almost died the day before, but now, it was clear it wasn't the unique reason.

“Bones, what if we talk about that after you eat something and take a rest, it's not a wise moment to discuss that, you look terrible and ….I guess you have a fever”, he said as he placed the back of his hand on Bones' forehead.

Huh, Wise? That sounded so much like one green-blooded alien. Leonard thought about making a joke about it, but he didn't feel in the mood, he had no energy left. “Answer me Jim, are you going or are you not?” he growled instead.

“Bones please, not now, let's go to you quarters”

“Damn it Jim! Answer me. You were the one who asked first!”

Jim took a moment to compose himself, “Yeah Bones. I'm going. Starfleet requested it” he admitted, not liking where that conversation was leading to.

“I knew it, you silly infant! You're gonna make yourself killed and probably the whole crew too. How many times I gotta tell ya that moon it's not a clever option to go!”

“It's not like I have any other option Bones, it's a Starfleet request.”

“Yeah, and they asked us that because we've been poking our noses in this forgotten corner of space for three months now”

“Oh come one Bones, we're explorers, don't tell me this minuscule thing is the reason for your distress,” Jim said, trying to ignore the inevitable confrontation.

“Minuscule? Jim, that piece of space garbage has toxic particles on the atmosphere and an unstable soil damn it! How do you suppose to...forget it” he exclaimed, irritated.

“Bones please, we have spent half of our lives exploring the unknown. I know I screwed things up a bit yesterday, but this time it will be just another simple expedition, like the countless we've done before, it won't even last long”.

“Simple my ass!” exclaimed Bones sick of Jim's excuses “Cannot you just see Jim! Only one year ago you died for crying out loud! Not to mention these past months you've been hurt several times and got more diseases that I would have ever liked. Yesterday you were almost burned and stabbed! You could have died again!”

“Yeah Bones, but the difference is that after all those possible tragic endings, I’m still here, kicking asses.”

“Oh for God's sake don't give me that shit” “You think it's funny?” Bones said, his patience growing thin.

“Bones, can we just skip this conversation? These last weeks this is all we can talk about, I don't wanna fight with you again”.

“You'll throw yourself into death man!” he said ignoring him again “Jim I'm not asking you to stop exploring. Dammit! I’m not even asking you to stop being the hero when things go south. I’m just asking you to not go where life frankly it's not possible, and this godforsaken moon, my god man, It's certain death!”

“If it was really lethal, Starfleet would have never ordered us to go there, Bones. Also, yesterday scans showed a big area with a stable surface so it's not as crazy as you think it is, we can land there. Anyway, I promise the expedition will last strictly the necessary and we'll maximize our security protocol. I've been working with Spock in that”.

“That was what you said when you went to STV-0002 moon and then you came to my sickbay almost bleeding to death Jim”, Bones said breathing deep. His headache was now insufferable, he felt he was on the verge of losing the little control he had and Jim was definitely not helping. Jim needed to stop talking now.

“Come one Bones drop it, this is part of the job, anyway don't you think it's selfish to consider this mission is not viable only because you don't like that little moon?” Jim said in the heat of the moment but he regretted his words instantly.

“How ya dare to call me selfish ya piece of shit!” Bones spat, feeling a rush of adrenaline going through his system as he stood up and walked away, ignoring the dizziness he felt.

That was when Jim realized he had screwed everything up“Forgive me, I didn't want to say it that way Bones” he said the best he could, as he stood up in panic chasing the doctor.

“Ya don't have any idea of what I've lived and what I've seen James!” said Bones suddenly facing him “I been running all over hell's half-acre all these damned months, I've skipped more meals and resting hours than I would have liked, tryin’ to keep the pace, treatin’ the numerous patients you and your crazy missions left, patchin’ ya up at least twice a week and you call me selfish?”

“Hey, hey Bones forgive me, I didn't want to say it that way, if someone is selfish here it's me, I owe my life to you more times than I can remember, I don't know what I would do without you,” Jim said blinking back tears.

“You say so but you never really listen to what I have to say. Did ya know you're so stubborn you don't mind forcing your opinions into other people? I wonder if one day you'll learn to really listen!”

“Bones calm down. We're are not going to fight for this nonsense” Jim said trying to ease the tension.

Leonard punched the wall hard and walked away once again burning in rage and frustration.

“Bones please,” Jim said. “Listen to me, I am sorry, I truly am, but the mission cannot be canceled because I have specific orders to explore that soil. You can stay here if you want but I have to go. Anyway, you're drained. Let's give you some food and rest” he said.

“You know what?” said Bones turning around “I’ve been thinking about this lately, I wasn't sure If I really wanted it, but now thanks to you I can see clearly. If that's the pace ya want me to keep, I cannot do this anymore. I’m gonna resign to the Enterprise.”

-

“What?” Jim said after some seconds, in a choked whisper. “That's the real thing you were hiding from me all this time Leonard?” “Didn't you care to talk to me about what you were thinking in the crazy head of yours?” He said trying to contain the panic that now boiled inside of him.

“If I am thinking about this it's because you didn’t let me another option ya bastard!” Leonard spat feeling rage clouding his vision, he couldn't think straight anymore.

“Just in case you have forgotten I am the captain here and you have no right to talk to me like that” Jim said in an attempt to stop all that crazy thing.

“Like hell you had ever cared about your rank when talking to me. That only shows our friendship no longer exists!”

“You're insane. You must have a brain parasite”

“What if I got a strange parasite indeed? You are so self-centered ya wouldn't even care!”

Jim paled, his eyes shone with unshed tears “Don't ever say that Leonard. Of course I’d care! You are my best friend for God's sake. You're the brother I never had!” He exclaimed in a choked whisper, fighting to not let tears fall.

“That was exactly what I thought about you before all of this happened!”

“It's my fucking job Leonard, there's a lot I can't decide!”

“That's my point, _Captain_ , It's clear I am the one with adaptability problems here, maybe I’m too old for these things, but you know what? You can hire a better doctor than me, who likes adventures and try new things, he can even be your new best friend” Bones said with his hazel eyes glistening.

“What!” Exclaimed Jim “This gotta be a nightmare, you're not yourself, I swear you are sick, you would never say something like that on your sane judgment," he said trying to keep on his point.

“Think whatever you want, but I assure you sick or sane I would be saying the same thing. I'm so fed up to see you dancing with death every fucking day and I know this is not gonna change!” Leonard said walking away, dizziness making his world spin.

That was the last blow and with that, a tear finally rolled down Jim's right cheek, and then other and another “You're right, Leonard” Jim managed to admit from behind “It's … It's my fault, please forgive me, I’m a crap captain and friend, but you cannot…You cannot give up the Enterprise, that's a completely different matter” he said, cleaning in vain the tears out of his cerulean eyes.

“Wanna know what's the real reason, Jim?” Leonard suddenly said in a wretched tone, turning around and looking Jim in the eye. “I regret sticking with you for all these years because now I cannot cope with the fact of losing you one day or another” He took a shaky breath trying to control his emotions “I'm resigning because yeah, you were right, I'm selfish, I cannot be the one left behind" 

The kid had managed to penetrate his bare soul after he had believed no one was trustworthy, now he wanted to embrace him but he felt his legs didn't work, his vision was quickly tunneling. He felt disorientated.

 _Jim, help me,_ he tried to say, but only air left his mouth.

Jim's panicked azure eyes were the last thing he saw. Then everything went black.


	2. Shared sorrows hurt less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for the delay, I was getting a little messed up with this one. I´m still not completely satisfied but I had to post it today so I can move forward and write the scene that I´m dying to write (you know, the expedition, the major Bones whump and the Jim/Bones hurt comfort stuff). Slowly we are getting there, but I wanted to have a developed background, I guess for chapter 4 most of the tags will start to kick in. Enjoy :D

The first thing Jim noticed when he grabbed Bones was how alarmingly hot his friend felt to the touch. For a moment he had almost expected to see Bones start convulsing on his arms.

Now it was so unnatural to watch him lying there in that biobed.

The whole incident had been so distressing. He didn't even remember how he had managed to carry him to sickbay. He only knew that despite the panic that overwhelmed him, he had been able to react in time and thank God he did, otherwise it would have been so much worse.

Still, his mind couldn't process it all. Sitting there next to Bones’ biobed Jim wished he would wake up from that nightmare once and for all. Bones wasn't the type of guy to get sick, end up hurt or even get cut with paper edges occasionally. If someone would be sick would be Jim, not the other way round. But as Spock would say, these days nothing had been logical, he would have never imagined fighting with Bones like that.

And now Bones lied there pale as a sheet because of him.

Leonard had his lips slightly parted as he breathed softly with the help of a nasal cannula that had been placed around his head. Jim also noticed two IV lines at the back of Bones' right hand.

He breathed deep, trying to calm himself down. Two hours had gone since the incident and still Bones hadn't woken up. Dr. M'Benga said he was now sleeping but Jim wasn’t so sure about that, watching Bones so still scared him to the bone.

 _What was I thinking to not check on him before?_ He thought, fighting back the tears that threatened to break free from the corners of his eyes.

“Captain, diagnosis here,” said Dr. M'Benga, snapping Jim out of his trance.

“What is it, doctor?” Jim said, noticing how much speaking hurt. The lump of his throat must have the size of an elephant.

“I guess you already figured this out Sir,” M'Benga said, checking the papers on his chart and then looking at Jim “Leonard suffered a severe case of dehydration. When you brought him here, his body temperature was near 40°C and he was close to suffering a heat stroke due to an electrolytic imbalance and severe water depletion”.

Jim bit his lower lip as he nodded.

“On the other hand at least the blood tests are free of viruses and bacteria, his fever is going down and his pulse and blood oxygen saturation are now optimal”, M’Benga said as he turned to read Leonard's vital signs and adjust the liquid’s flow.

“Thank God” Jim breathed.

“Yes Sir, and as you can see, I'm still giving him dextrose via IV to correct the hypoglycemia he also had. I wonder what happened” he said looking again at Kirk, this time more serious “It's not common that a member of our ship collapses like this Captain, let alone our CMO. You brought him here just in time, a little longer and he would have gone into a cardiac arrest or fallen into a coma, to say the least”.

“Oh God!”, Jim exclaimed as he looked at his unmoving friend. Panic again starting to kick in.

“The good news,” Dr. M'Benga continued “is that he will get better in a couple of days just resting and eating a little bit more if nothing more serious is discovered in the next hours. He must have overworked and suffered high levels of anxiety. I had the impression he wasn't eating well on the past days but I thought it was only my imagination, I should have told you, Sir.”

Jim looked at the floor. “I should have noticed too and I didn’t, it's my fault,” he said, passing a hand for his blond hair.

M'Benga looked down, a thin line on his lips “Captain, forgive me for asking you this, but I need to collect all the information to not miss something,” he made a pause checking his notes again and pondering his words. “What were you doing when he collapsed?” he asked.

At this Jim sighed and shook his head in denial. M'Benga could tell the man was now battling with his emotions. He decided to wait.

After several seconds Jim finally spoke “Well, just after he changed shifts with you he disappeared, I mean nobody saw him for two days, when I finally found him he looked really bad” he paused, taking a deep breath “He even rejected me, I noticed he had a fever by then, I tried to carry him to his quarters to make him eat and drink something but he refused, then…oh then…” he trailed off unable to continue.

“Then what Sir?” Said Dr. M'Benga, encouraging the young captain to speak.

“Then we had the worst argument of our lives” Jim said, his blue eyes glistening “I'm the one to blame he's now like this” he said looking again at Bones’ prone form.

“I'm so sorry to hear that Sir” M'Benga said, a frown on his face “But don't be so hard on you, it takes two to fight”, he said trying to reassure his visible dejected Captain despite he knew that nothing that he could say would make him feel better.

He knew just how close McCoy and Kirk were, those men were practically inseparable, he had heard many times his CMO talking about his Captain with so much affection he only wished he had a friendship like that in his life too.

Jim clenched his jaw “But I pushed him harder than I should M'Benga” he said with a bitter tone. “Anyway, I've got a question Doctor” he suddenly said changing the subject. He wasn't too comfortable talking about his feelings, it was hard doing it even with Bones or Spock, now let alone Dr. M'Benga.

“Tell me, Captain”

“What symptoms does a person with dehydration have?” he asked.

M'Benga raised his eyebrows “Well, dehydration causes many things given the inability to control body temperature which leads to dry skin, decreased urine production, altered mental status, irritability, intense headaches, weakness, dizziness. In severe cases we can also observe high fever, difficult breathing, low blood pressure, quick heartbeat, the list goes on…” M´Benga answered a bit surprised by the question.

“I see,” Jim said. He desperately wanted to know if Bones had said what he said because of dehydration or because he had really meant that. He wished with all his soul it was the first option.

“Doctor, and what about the aftermaths?” he kept asking, much for M'Benga surprise.

“Sir, as I already explained you, dehydration can be lethal if not treated on time, but this wasn't the case, so he will be as new once he's fully recovered. Still, if you tell me you both argued, it's likely he won't remember exactly what happened, you have to ask him when he wakes up”.

“Thank you Doctor” Jim said swallowing dry. He still wasn't sure if he could look Bones in the eye after that sorrowful argument so soon, let alone touching that sensible spot.

“Captain to the bridge” a voice came through his comm.

_Why were people still calling him after his shift had ended?_

_Well, unless it was an emergency._

“Kirk here, I'm on my way” he said through his communicator.

“Doctor, please do everything you can, I must go now, I'll come back as soon as I can,” he said.

Then he looked one more time at Leonard's still form “Get well Bones” he whispered. Then he walked away.

*-*

When Jim entered the bridge everyone was focused on their work.

 _Small favors,_ he thought relieved as nobody seemed to notice his slightly red-rimmed eyes.

“Captain we have a large object coming at 93 kilometers per second, it seems to be a ship”, Sulu said. “Captain, are you alright?” he added.

 _Crap he noticed it,_ Jim thought as he sat in his captain chair.

“Order it to report. And thanks, Mr. Sulu, I'm alright” he said, trying to make his voice sound steady, but somehow it didn't convince his crew because then all of them raised their gaze and looked at him. He felt he was on a scanner.

Seconds went by and everyone went back to work as usual. Jim was almost thankful when of course, the green-blooded alien had to speak.

“Captain”, Spock asked as he stood up “Might I talk to you in private?”

“Once we're out of this Spock”

“Naturally Captain. Our main priority is to ensure the safety of this ship, but I consider it appropriate to remind you we cannot accomplish that without preserving the integrity of its captain”.

“I know Spock, I understand, but now please let's focus on this,” Jim said a bit exasperated by the inopportune remark “Lieutenant Uhura please open our communications system”.

“Aye Captain,” She said as she entered commands, masking very well the worry she felt at Jim's tone “Done Sir”

_You know what? I’ve been thinking about this lately, I wasn't sure If I really wanted it, but now thanks to you I can see clear… If that´s the pace you want me to keep, I cannot do this his anymore …I’m gonna resign to the Enterprise.”_

Jim closed his eyes in pain, fighting with his own memories.

“Captain?”

“Thanks Lieutenant,” he said, noticing his voice faltering a little, so he took a deep breath and put himself together, his crew needed a captain now, not a pool of tears. “At your signal”.

“Now Sir”

“This is James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, please report your origin and coordinates”

“We have no response,” she said after some seconds.

“Please amplify” Jim ordered.

Uhura made connections, his long ponytail swinging at the movement “Done Sir” she announced.

“This is James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, please report your origin and coordinates. You are approaching at a dangerous speed” he said again, ignoring the burning pain on his throat.

“Still no signal Sir”

_“What if I got a strange parasite indeed? Ya wouldn't even care!”_

_“Don't ever say that Leonard, of course, I would care, you are my best friend for God's sake, you´re the brother I never had”._

“Captain, we are going to collide. Eight minutes for impact,” Spock said snapping Jim out of his head.

“Enterprise calling. You've entered a dangerous threshold. Please report now,” Jim said, gripping the arms of his chair so hard it hurt. He almost could see Bones right in front of his eyes.

“No signal Sir,” she said, making a mental note to ask Spock later about their captain. She was now very worried for him, Jim seemed to be in pain, she only prayed he wouldn't collapse right there on the bridge.

“Mr. Sulu, please divert our curse right now and prepare for attack if necessary” Jim ordered.

“Aye Captain,” Sulu said as he pushed buttons. “Commander Spock, please give me the coordinates and speed”.

“31-26-4-87, straight ascension, 196.15 kilometers per second, seven minutes for impact,” said Spock with his usual calm voice.

“Ve might need zi auxiliary engines Keptin”, Chekov said urgently.

“Turn them on. Please Scotty, give me full potency”, Jim said trying to keep all his shit together.

“Aye Captain,” the engineer said instantly through his communicator as he made connections. “Done Sir”, he said after several seconds.

“Fixating the position. Auxiliary engines adjust in progress. Six minutes for impact”, the robotic voice of the console announced.

_“Bones! Bones oh my God!”_

_“Hey, hey Bones wake up,” he said, sliding a hand beneath Leonard's body, noticing that Bones' breathing came now in quick shallow gasps._

_“Bones! Come on, open your eyes!"_

Jim put a hand on his forehead, trying to contain the turmoil of emotions. He noticed out of the corner of his eye Spock´s concerned gaze on him. Uhura also seemed ready to sprint and grab him in case he fell.

“Five minutes for impact,” the system stated.

“Please Mr. Sulu, inform our whole crew now,” Jim managed to say as he forced himself to sit straight.

“Yes Sir”

The crescendo emergency bell resounded on the ship as the computer spoke “…Announcement in progress…” then Mr. Sulu's voice was heard on the public speakers “Please for your safety look for the nearest stable surface and hold on it, I'm moving the ship to the right in 10 seconds. This is an emergency” he said as the powerful engines of the Enterprise roared beneath their feet.

_“Captain, It's not common that a member of our ship collapses like that Captain, let alone our CMO”_

_"You brought him here just in time"_

“What the hell is that?” Sulu exclaimed as a ship passed them by.

“It's huge” Chekov exclaimed, startling Jim. He had forgotten about his surroundings for almost a minute, he hadn't even noticed the Enterprise had moved, his mind too busy to deal with that.

“Seems the ship is not manned. Given its position and speed it is going to get caught by the planet's magnetic field in about 10.76 minutes,” he heard his first officer state.

“Ve are out of danger” Chekov exclaimed relieved.

_“I'm resigning because yeah I'm selfish, I cannot be the one left behind”._

“Oh God”, Jim muttered to himself. He was going insane. He needed to get out of the bridge right then or he would lose the little control he had and make a scene. Fighting with all his might against his own head and thanks to all the years of practice concealing his emotions he managed to speak again in his usual voice.

“Thanks to everybody. Only night shift crew remain here, everyone else to rest please. Goodnight” he said as he stood up.

“Aye Captain” he heard his crew say as they took positions.

“Spock tomorrow please run investigations about that ship's origin,” he said walking away so quickly he didn't even hear Spock's reply.

*-*

Once out of their sight Jim's repressed feelings started bubbling up so he hastened his step even more.

He took the turbolift in a rush and closed his eyes in pain as memories of Bones hit him. Just three months ago he had been laughing there with Bones.

_Dammit Jim be careful with that thing” Bones said with a grunt as Jim walked through the Enterprise halls as happy as a kid, holding a pot of green liquid._

_"I've got a pair of baby blues Bones, I can see where I step”, Jim said cockily as Bones rolled his eyes._

_Can't believe how those aliens eat this disgustin’ thing, I bet we all looked like frogs singin’ on a pond for them, they're taller than sequoias,” Bones said looking at the abominable substance Jim had received as a gift on STV-0008 moon._

_“Wanna try it Bones?” Jim teased, drawing near to Bones' face. “Maybe this is the potion to grow up,” he said, smirking._

_“Goddammit Jim that thing can have acid and it will dissolve our skin like slugs on salt. You should throw away that abominable sticky snot before you get yourself so smeared on it, that I can't tell your head from your legs”_

_And just then Jim misstep and part of the green liquid went flying …._

_…and fell all over Bones shirt._

_“My God, I'm sorry,” Jim said trying to not laugh._

_“Ya idiot, get this off me!” Bones growled as he frantically moved his arms and smeared himself into the sticky liquid even more._

_Jim cracked up laughing “There are just three drops Bones, stop moving,” he said, but Bones kept twitching like a cat forced on water._

_“I can get anaphylaxis! Get off, get this off me!” Bones screamed in panic, drawing to him the attention of at least half of the crew that now looked at their jumping CMO with eyes wide open._

_Jim laughed so hard he feared he wouldn't get enough air. He knew the substance was totally innocuous because the science department had already checked it. But despite Bones didn't know that, it was evident he was overreacting._

_The next day Jim made it clear to Bones that he wasn't going to let the incident go without taking advantage of every single opportunity he had to tease him without compassion._

_“You know Bones, I thought you were a grown-up man till yesterday,” Jim said as they took the turbolift “I mean, I wasn't expecting you to get all worked up and look so desperate as a wet hen, you would have seen the face of the science department ladies, I wonder what they will think of you next time you check them on sickbay”._

_Bones breathed like a bull “Fuck ya”, he rasped as he felt his cheeks burning of embarrassment._

_“Aw, now you're blushing like a rose” Jim teased._

_“Shut up you dork, it was your fault”_

_“I know you love me”_

_“My God, you're insufferable,” Bones groaned as they stepped out of the turbolift._

Jim's eyes filled with tears at the memories.

He had literally stopped sharing time with Bones since then, and now his cranky golden-hearted doctor was lying on sickbay, looking ghostly white because of him. Bones was right, he had neglected him for so long.

The turbolift stopped, the door opened and Jim walked to his quarters as quick as his legs carried him. He desperately wanted to go to sickbay and check for Bones again, but his emotions were still too strong, too fresh. He needed to calm down first before facing other people.

He could feel his shoulders began to shake, as broken sobs emerged from his throat against his will. The sensation was almost new, he hadn't cried in years. He was entering his command to open his quarter’s door when suddenly a hand was on his shoulder.

“Captain, what is wrong?” that familiar voice said.

Jim turned around only to see a blur representation of his Vulcan friend. The world was now spinning. He realized he was having a panic attack. He tried to find an anchoring point, he wasn't sure if he grasped Spock or the wall and then a high pitched whistle resounded on his head as the world disappeared in front of his eyes.

_Captain_

_Jim_

_Jim, please open your eyes_ , Spock's voice called him from somewhere.

Jim felt being gently shaken. Slowly his surroundings came to him, thank God he was still standing, but … what the hell! Was Spock holding him?

He quickly tried to pull away ashamed to be causing an uncomfortable moment to his Vulcan friend but Spock didn't move.

“Captain, it's alright, calm down please”

Spock using contractions while speaking? Must be dreaming, Jim thought.

“Take deep breaths” Spock said in a gentle tone.

Jim did what he could and slowly his mind cleared completely. “Hey, Spock I'm so s'rry” he said as soon as he could speak again. He felt his face turning as red as a tomato. “I'm alright, you're dismissed now” he said forcing a smile and pulling away.

“Jim, judging by your behavior you are obviously not well” Spock said letting Jim go.

“Listen Spock, I suppose I have to say I'm sorry, I didn't want to put you through this, you know…” Jim said this time looking down “It's just…”, and suddenly it all was too much to speak.

He turned around and entered his quarters in one swift movement.

“Jim what's wrong?” Spock suddenly asked.

 _Yeah, that hobgoblin is super scared, if you don't tell him what happened he'll panic just as you did before James Tiberius Kirk_ , he thought. But he also felt like he was going to break down right there and he didn't want anyone to witness it, even Spock, it would turn ugly.

“Spock, I would like to be left alone now, please,” he managed to say with a wavering voice, his eyes a liquid mirror of his soul.

“To leave you like this is highly illogical since you are evidently troubled, Jim,” the Vulcan said with a neutral tone but his eyes showed genuine concern.

“Nothing this day has been logical,” Jim somberly admitted.

Spock was wondering what in the universe could make his usually relaxed and self-confident captain so emotionally unstable when Jim abruptly walked to the bathroom and locked himself in. Almost immediately his fine hearing sense caught sobbing sounds behind that door.

The sudden action made Spock's worry rise to the clouds. He stood there petrified. Humans were complex beings, there was no doubt, but they were also fragile and he wasn't too skilled dealing with that specific human side. He didn't even know why he had followed his captain in the first place.

As time went by the sobs behind that door increased intensity.

What could be so wrong to make him react that way? Jim hardly cries, Spock thought, a frown on his face. He tried to say or to do something but he was clueless. He wasn't used to emotional displays like those.

Where will Dr. McCoy be? He would definitely know what to do, the physician understood Jim very well.

Has Jim finally found Dr. McCoy? The thought suddenly crossed his mind.

Spock frown deepened. Something was not right.

Jim had said Leonard had not been in his quarters, not in the pharmacy, or in sickbay. He also had mentioned he didn't know how to tell Leonard about their next expedition…

There could only be one explanation.

In a millisecond Spock's mind clicked and everything fell into place.

He would have let out a gasp of shock if he wasn't half Vulcan. Now he did know what had happened. Jim and Bones had fought. He was 99.9% sure of it, but he needed to confirm it anyway.

He went back to the bathroom's door and gently knocked it.

“Jim, I need you to tell me something,” he made a pause pondering his words “Did you find Doctor McCoy?”

…

_Jim_

…

Spock was about to knock again when Jim's barely recognizable voice spoke “Yes Spock, but that's not even half of what happened”.

Spock side turned, but he remained composed.

“Did you fight?” he slowly let the words out, fearing them becoming real.

A yeah muffled by a sob was his answer.

Despite Spock having expected something like that, he didn't know why just the mere thought of Jim and Bones fighting with each other made him feel as scared and lost as when his classmates bullied him as a child. It was not logical to feel afraid for a situation where he wasn't involved, but he couldn't help it, maybe his human side was giving him a bad day.

He focused on keeping his mind clear. It was not practical wasting time wondering about his confusing feelings. He needed to search for a proper thing to say, after all it was his duty to make the captain feel better.

Minutes went by and he finally found what he was looking for.

“Jim, two months ago, trying to better understand the culture of the humanoid creatures we found in STV-004 moon, I read a book called Terran Proverbs Compilation and I remember it was said that shared sorrows hurt less”.

“Oh yeah Spock what if you apply that to yourself, you are the hermetic one here,” Jim's congested voice said through the door.

“Jim I believe I did mention it was a Terran proverb, not a Vulcan one, so it does not make sense applied entirely to me”.

At this, Jim couldn't help but chuckle between his sobs. His Vulcan friend was so peculiar, there was no doubt.

“Whatever it is Jim you can count on me” Spock said, shocking himself at the sentence.

He was thinking of what else to say when Jim suddenly opened the bathroom's door. Spock eyes opened wider. His dazzling captain looked like someone had just cut the life out of him, his eyes and face were swollen, his dishevelled hair pointed to all directions, he looked so miserable it was painful to watch.

“I fucked up, Spock, I made Bones relinquish the Enterprise,” Jim finally snapped. “We had an awful argument, but the worst part is--” and he bit his lower lip unable to continue.

Spock felt something twisted inside him. For a brief moment, he didn't know what to do or to say. He had never seen Jim like that, not even at Pike's dead, hell not even when Jim died, precisely on that occasion it had been him -the stoic Vulcan, the one that had cried.

What could make such a strong friendship stumble like that? The doctor and Jim are practically brothers, he thought deeply disturbed as Jim walked towards his bed and sat there putting his hands on his face.

“Jim, it is highly likely he does not want to, the probability he said those things due he was emotionally compromised or even ill is about 98.5%,” Spock finally said “Let pass a few hours, it is probable the doctor changes his opinion”.

“The problem is that he's now at sickbay” Jim said, looking at Spock, wiping out a new tear that slid down his cheek.

“I fail to comprehend why that is a problem Jim. It is my understanding sickbay is Dr. McCoy's working place,” he said walking towards his captain.

“No, Spock, he's lying there motionless, he even has oxygen support”

Spock frowned.

That sounded very bad. Jim must have read through his façade the fear he actually felt because then he elaborated.

“He suffered a severe dehydration Spock, we were still fighting when he collapsed in my arms,” Jim exhaled. “Dr. M'Benga said that if I had taken longer to carry him to sickbay he could have fallen into a coma. He had also hypoglycemia”

Spock stood there as his mind processed the information he had just heard. For some reason, it threatened to break his natural perfect control.

Now he found himself concerned for Jim and Leonard at the same time. As surprising as it could be, he greatly appreciated the doctor. Through the years together he had learned that Leonard's cantankerous exterior was just a cover for the deep compassion and loyalty he possessed at his core. He knew that the life on the Enterprise wouldn't be the same without Leonard McCoy.

“Jim, I am certainly convinced Doctor McCoy would be as affected as you are if right now he was not unconscious. He deeply cares about you, I do not think he really wants to relinquish this ship, it is my knowledge this place is his home as much as it is ours”.

“That's what I’ve been telling myself for these past hours. I don't want to believe what he said is true”

“You are correct Jim, it is my understanding the doctor is quick-tempered but also quick to forgive”.

“Yes he is, but all I can feel now is deep regret, I didn't check on him Spock. God, I couldn't even remember his anniversary breakup date two weeks ago” Jim said as he tried to clean his eyes in vain. “I'm sure he felt so miserable that night. He's always been there for me but I left him alone, I failed him. If he decides to leave this ship he's free to go, I don't deserve him”

Spock tried to say something but no words formed.

“Sometimes I think being Captain was a mistake Spock. Hell my whole life has been a mistake, how could I think I was able to take care of a starship when I can't even take care of my loved ones?”

“Jim It is not logical to consider your life a mistake” Spock said automatically, masking the unfamiliar pain he felt by hearing that. This time he sat by Jim's side.

“Cannot you just see Spock?” Jim continued “Imagine how much Bones has endured to consider doing something like that. My father would have never neglected someone, much less a close one, mom used to say he was a very compassionate man, but I am not like him… and I will never be”

"Do not say that, Jim. We owe you our lives many times, and the fact you are like this right now confirms how profoundly you care. Also it is important you remember that being ill does not mean such a person is the illness. The same is applied to this case, making mistakes is not equivalent to such person being one”

But Jim didn't say anything. He just sat there suffocating with each breath he took holding onto his pride.

Spock couldn't take that sight anymore, he knew the action would make him feel incredibly uncomfortable but friendship was precisely about being there when the others needed it so he swallowed his Vulcan pride and with the hand he still had on Jim's shoulder he pulled him close.

“Jim, I promise I will help you to fix this,” he said embracing the blond man.

For a second Jim tensed up, feeling confused, but then he relaxed a bit and hugged Spock back. He hadn't been embraced frequently as a child, even less in his adult life and that unexpected action made him even more emotional.

His tears wet Spock's uniform but Spock didn't seem to care, he just held him.

They stayed like that until Jim's shaking subsided, letting only small whimpers that eventually disappeared.

When Jim breathed deeply again, he felt better. He was still sad but now he had a new feeling of hope.

After all, maybe it was true that shared sorrows hurt less.

Spock was about to let Jim go when Jim broke the silence “Thank you Spock, for being my friend,” he said, cleaning his eyes and cheeks.

Spock's soul smiled. If hugging people always ended like this, he could repeat the action more frequently. It was only logical.


	3. Wipe your tears away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> I know I'm late, it's been over a month! But I've started working again so I have not had much time. Still, I have prepared a surprise for you! Two fanarts I drew for this chapter :D
> 
> ADITIONAL NOTE: Jim and Bones' relationship here can be described as a bromance (or pre-slash, you decide), so you'll see them interact closer than "just a simple friendship", their investment on each other is deeper because they have developed a high level of emotional intimacy.
> 
> Finally, welcome back and I hope you enjoy this story! :)  
> 

It was two and a half in the morning, Jim had been dozing in and on by Bones’ biobed the whole night. He was finally starting to dream when something grabbed his hair weakly. The motion snapped him awake and he looked up to discover a pair of half-lidded hazel eyes watching him on the penumbra. 

“Bones” he exclaimed, a mixture of emotions making his pulse speed up.

“J'm?”

“You're alright,” Jim said noticing the confusion in Bones' face “I'm here, you're safe,” he said taking his hand, gently squeezing it.

“What time is it?”

“It's 2035 I guess, you were out for almost 36 hours”

“What happened?” Leonard asked a little out of breath.

Jim sighed, unsure if dropping the news was a good idea. He had been right, Dr. M'Benga had discovered a parasite on Bones' head suspecting something else was going on when Leonard didn't wake up as expected.

 _Awful coincidences,_ thought Jim recalling what Bones had precisely said when they were fighting.

_He'll be fine Captain, thank God this parasite is not lethal, but I am giving him a powerful medication to treat it, a dose each day for six days, so he'll remain hospitalized. When we finish that, we will start the sealing medication cycle which lasts other five days”_

“Jim” Bones urged “What happened?”

“You've got something on your head, Bones, but you'll be alright” Jim finally chose to say swallowing the lump on his throat as he carefully pulled the right side of Bones' nasal cannula that had gone loose and relocated it behind Leonard's ear “That's better,” he said reassuring.

“Ya alright?” Bones asked, he couldn’t remember anything, medication was making him feel fuzzy but despite the dim light, he noticed Jim's puffy eyes.

“Yes I am,” said Jim feeling his throat tightening even more at the question. Even in that biobed Bones was taking care of him “How do you feel?” he asked back.

“Peachy” Bones said a soft smile on his lips. Then he frowned “You’ve been cryin' kid,” he said, fighting to stay awake.

“I'm just sleepy,” Jim answered quickly.

“Liar” Bones replied, heavy lids closing his eyes. “Come here,” he said reaching out a hand and pulling Jim close to him. He would ask him later what the reason for the distress was.

*-*

Jim opened his eyes and sat down in a single bound. He was late for his shift.

Maybe not sleeping well for the past days had something to do. Now he wished his first officer wouldn't make that remark in public, they had to be on the science lab waiting for him.

“I am glad you join us, Captain,” Spock said walking towards him as soon as he arrived.

“I'm glad to see you too Spock,” he said “I'm so sorry for the delay. There's no excuse”

“A Captain is never late” Spock stated “Besides, given the situation you have been in these days it is only logical, Jim”

“I'll never be able to properly thank you for everything you do for this ship and for me” Jim said noticing Spock had the science team already working.

“It is only my duty” Spock answered, hands perfectly clasped at his back.

“Yeah, yeah of course it's only your duty,” Jim said smirking, Spock had been also relieving him on the long nights by Bones biobed, he knew Spock said so but he really cared for him.

He had been so blessed for having those amazing friends in his life, but now he felt a huge part of him was missing since he had fought with Bones, and then there was that parasite thing…

Gosh, Bones' health was improving but that medication put him to sleep so much, they still hadn't had the opportunity to clear things between them, he was almost sure Bones couldn't remember a single thing.

“Jim, I consider opportune to inform you about the last findings we made on STV-0019 moon,” Spock said.

“I'm all ears,” Jim said, forcing himself to pay full attention to Spock's report.

“We noticed the satellite has changing zones where our signal is rejected,” the Vulcan said pointing the right side of the moon on a 3D map.

“Clarify please”

“The dense layer of the unknown substance we saw two days ago has been moving in the past 24 hours, Captain"

Jim frowned. “Tell me it didn’t move just above where we think to land,” he said looking the map, his hands on the table.

“I am afraid that is exactly the problem, Jim. The satellite possesses unstable gas formations. They can be stationary for long periods and then move out suddenly”

Jim shook his head visible worried “I didn't expect that layer just moving like that”

“Indeed, I find that characteristic fascinating despite the danger it implies,” Spock said.

“How many days it could take?” Jim said, more to himself than to Spock.

“Since the weather conditions are unpredictable I consider your question pointless, Jim”

Jim smirked at Spock's remark but he didn't say anything. He knew other people would take offense at Spock's comments sometimes but he was just used to them now. He knew Spock really didn't mean that.

Spock looked confused at his captain's reaction but he decided to ignore it “Jim, we also have data about the ship we crossed paths with two days ago”

Jim looked up immediately, he had almost forgotten about that “What is it?”

“All seems to indicate this is the mining ship that was reported missing since 2190. It was called The USS. Hullux” Spock said moving towards the science console. Jim followed him “How?” he asked.

“The last captain's log reported malfunction on the ship's core while crossing the Kindra Naroa star system, so they decided to deviate to Erda's moons with the hope of extracting some minerals needed to fix the engines. It is believed they managed to arrive to STV-0019 moon but unfortunately, they lost communication. The federation sent a rescue mission but when they arrived they could not find any trace of the ship or the crew. The case remains classified as an unknown disappearance”.

Jim breathed deeply “That's awful,” he said as images of what could have happened to that crew filled his mind. “Are you sure of this, Spock?”

“According to the insignias and serial number identification there is a 97.7% probability this is the ship that we saw some days ago, Jim”

“And how is it supposed to be lost for so long? I mean, it's huge. If Starfleet rescue team couldn't find any trace I wonder where this ship was. Any logical explanation?”

“The possibilities are vast and it is imprecise to make conclusions. They could be as different as saying the ship was deviated by an asteroid and then put in orbit again by similar circumstances, hidden by electromagnetic fields or confiscated by some kind of intelligent species on an unknown planet… the list goes on, leading to more questions than answers”

Jim sighed looking down “You and Bones were right, this moon only brings problems, I'll write a report right now claiming those reasons to cancel the mission”

“Captain, as you may know, there is only a 1.3% chance Starfleet approves a cancelation after the last details of an expedition have been confirmed. Also, all the work of the science department will be lost”

“You're very right Spock, it's too late and it's unfair, but I cannot risk anyone there. I did not think this could be this dangerous but now with this news, I almost can feel something is gonna go wrong” he exclaimed, a deep frown on his face.

“You are correct, Jim” Spock said, then he thought better observing Jim's troubled posture “But as you would say _nothing ventured, nothing gained._ You still can try to revoke it, that is only logical”

Jim looked up and smiled “Then I suppose I'm gonna do it right now. Thanks Spock, for everything, I'll see you later,” he said giving Spock a small pat on his shoulder.

“You are welcome, Jim” Spock said.

*-*

Leonard woke up sweating.

He felt strange. He felt something was not quite right but he couldn't put a finger on it, after all, those past days had gone in a blurry haze, he had almost lost track of nights and days. Whenever he recovered consciousness Jim had been by his side, even Spock sometimes, but still this was the first time he was fully awake after the incident.

And now there was an uneasy sensation on his chest like he had lost something dear. He breathed deeply and stayed sprawled on his bed looking at the ceiling for several minutes, trying to bring back his memories.

At least he had managed to convince Dr. M'Benga of letting him return to his quarters that morning. He had claimed there was no medical reason to confine him on sickbay for one more second. The brain parasite had officially abandoned his system the day before, his oxygen saturation was normal, his heart rate and breathing pattern too. His body functions were perfect. He didn't feel any pain.

So M'Benga had finally acceded to discharge him, of course not without making him eat breakfast and injecting him with a hypo first.

_“This will send you to sleep for a few more hours Leonard, I'm sorry but you still need to take this medication,” he said, pressing the device against McCoy's neck._

_“Whatever,” the CMO said resigned._

_“And you'll promise me you will eat as soon as you wake up. You will also come here at 1700 for a checking, if you fail to accomplish this simple task Leonard, I'll personally drag your ass back here in a second, understood?”_

_“Yes ma'am”_

_“Len, I know you hate being on the patient side, but there's no way I keep my eyes off you just yet or the Captain will chop my head. Only light work allowed until we finished the sealing medication cycle which ends in five days, am I clear?”_

_“Clear as water”_

_“Alright, then you're free to go”_

_“God thanks, finally,” He snorted, hating feeling sleepy again as he walked away from sickbay._

Being the CMO of a starship had its perks for sure. Still, as he tried to remember how or why he had collapsed, things got confusing. He felt he was missing a huge part of his memories.

He sighed and slowly managed to sit at the bed but the image that welcomed let him in bewilderment.

There, on his nightstand was a bottle of Saurian brandy.

“What the hell?”

He blinked several times, maybe he was still dreaming.

To his surprise, the bottle stayed there.

 _Huh?_ He muttered. He didn't remember acquiring a new one recently, he had finished the remains of his last one a month ago when he had drunk for a good part of the night to calm his altered nerves after a four-hour surgery he had performed on Jim.

Oh he had seen Jim last night, hadn't he? Now that he remembered, the kid had been by his side on that biobed as he had been doing it those days, he couldn't exactly recall what he had said but what he did knew was that Jim had had puffy eyes again, and it was strange because every time he pointed out that fact, the kid denied it and changed the topic.

 _There must be something pretty serious to put Jim like that, I wonder what it is,_ he thought, Jim never hid anything from him.

“Alright,” he said to himself as he grabbed a glass of water and took a sip. He would look for the infant as soon as he knew what the hell was doing that bottle on his nightstand.

Still confused he took the liquor and smiled, whoever that had dropped a gift so nice would hear his infinite thanks, but as he did so a folded paper slipped from the bottle and fell to the floor.

He immediately put the liquor aside and picked up the paper.

“Hum”, he said taking another water sip.

It was a note.

_Dear Bones,_

_I am so sorry for everything that happened. I wish I could go back in time and retreat my words. I know I am too impulsive and say things that are simply not true._

_Maybe you still want to resign to the Enterprise,_

Leonard almost choked on the water “That I what?!” he exclaimed.

_…and I know it's my fault, I pushed you to the edge until I broke you, but I wanted you to know I will be here waiting for you even if you don't want me around anymore. Now I am barely capable to think knowing you may leave and Oh Bones, I'm so scared. You're right, I'm a kid and I guess that's what I am, I'm always messing up with what I love the most._

_I'm begging your forgiveness, I don't know what I would do if I lost you, the simple thought makes me sick. Hell, I wish I could fix it all, but you see, for once I'll stop being selfish, so if you wanna leave then who am I to make you stay?_

_Still consider this letter before making harsh decisions,_

_I'm begging you,_

_For all the years we were friends,_

_Jim_

“Jesus Jim” Leonard gasped, his vision quickly blurring.

He put his hands on his face as all the events of the past days went through his mind and finally filled every memory gap.

Now he could remember everything, those past weeks feeling at the edge of breaking down, the constant nausea, the headaches, Jim's pointless expedition, Jim almost dying _again_ , the fight, oh the fight…

Now a cluster of mixed emotions swirled inside of him. He took another gulp of water hoping to calm himself a little.

Damn! he was still so pissed with Jim because of that irrational expedition but also it was so clear he wasn't going to resign to the Enterprise any time soon, hell, never in his life, he couldn't imagine how living without the crew that now considered his family would feel, let alone without that stubborn kid he loved so much. He was practically stuck with him forever.

He stood up and headed to the bathroom. He needed to clean himself first and then eat something if he didn't want his butt to be dragged again to sickbay. Then he would look for Jim. They had still so many things to say.

*-*

_Captain James T Kirk, USS. Enterprise_

_2261.10_

_Receive our warmest greetings from Starfleet,_

_We lament to inform you the cancelation of the mission cannot be granted. Indeed, the fact the USS. Hullux was sighted after so long is another reason to survey STV-0019 moon, and finally help to shed some light on the turbulent circumstances implied on the ship's disappearance._

_We still disown if that incident is part of a bigger plan and nothing better than you and your competent crew to investigate that. You have demonstrated countless times how capable you are of solving impossible situations, so we highly commend you the outcome of this expedition which must remain as highly classified._

_Do not hesitate to seek our help if needed. We will be more than grateful to provide support._

_Thank you again for your excellent performance as an honorable member of both The United Federation of Planets and Starfleet,_

_Sincerely,_

_Admiral J.K Kleher_

_ID. Ji89.087_

Jim clenched his jaw, his whole body exuding tension. He wasn't sure what was worst if the expedition itself or the very fact Starfleet considered him their best weapon against unknown dangers.

Now Bones' words made so much sense. He was officially a death seeker.

He reclined his head on his hands and sighed defeated. M'Benga had told him he had discharged Bones from sickbay that morning, and now he was almost sure Bones had finally gained full consciousness and with that his memories.

What he would do if Bones definitely decided to leave? What he would say when he see him? He didn't have a clue, he only knew that the mere thought of facing Bones completely awake after almost six days made his heart bang on his chest.

He took a gulp of air suppressing the tears that wanted to form in his eyes. _God, I need some air,_ he muttered standing up and heading to the door. He would go to eat something and this time he would invite Spock. He needed his friend's advice.

“Excuse me,” he said as he almost bumped into someone in one quick turn.

“Ease up kid or you'll drive on a wall one of these days”

Panic flooded him as he realized who it was “I'm so sorry Bones, are you okay? You're supposed to be resting” he said, his blue eyes wide open.

“I'm finer than a frog hair split four ways Jim, that parasite has finally left me, and I am myself again,” The CMO said smirking.

“Oh, that's just great to hear,” Jim said forcing a smile. At least Bones' humor was returning in some way “Then I suppose it's alright, I'll see you later,” he said walking away for his own sake.

“Hey, Jim. Wait a minute”

But Jim's legs didn't respond.

“I saw your letter,” Leonard said from behind.

Jim stopped walking, his heart hammering hard.

“There was no need to drop a gift so nice, ya know. I'm so sorry for everything I said” 

Jim swallowed dry “It was my fault so it doesn't matter now, you were sick Bones, I understand,” he said without turning around.

“Jim, we need to talk,” Leonard said walking towards him.

“Maybe later?”

“Jim you're about to cry, please look at me,” Bones said finally grabbing him by his shoulders.

At the contact Jim flinched and averted his gaze.

“Oh Jim” Bones said, pulling the blond man against him “It's alright kid, it's alright, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry” he whispered feeling his own eyes filling with that familiar wetness when he felt Jim's body slightly tremble against him.

“Sh, sh, it's alright, we both had a bad moment and said things we didn't want to say Jim, forgive me,” Leonard said closing his eyes, just taking relief on Jim's embrace.

“Then won't you leave?” Jim muttered broken after some seconds.

And Jim sounded so lost, so scared Bones felt a wave of regret at his own past words “Never” he whispered hugging Jim tight. “Still, it doesn't mean you are not a reckless idiot sometimes and we still have to clear that part up” he added letting Jim go.

“Factory defect. I thought you had gotten used to it” Jim said, smiling faintly as he cleaned his eyes.

“Oh Jim what I'll never get used to is to seeing you dead,” Leonard said serious “You have to stop this, please Jim. I'm afraid that someday I won't be able …” and he trailed off.

“I.. I understand, Bones. I promise that from now on I'll try, _really_ try” Jim said, his throat thick with emotion.

Leonard nodded unable to say anything else for a second. Then he looked to a side and drew a deep breath “But you're still going there aren't ya Jim?

Jim sighed and Leonard knew what the answer was.

“God, I knew it,” he said, then he shook his head and looked at Jim in the eye “Fine, at least I'm going with you, so I have the opportunity to prevent you from doing anything stupid”

Jim tensed up “Bones, there's no way you come with me in this one”

Leonard frowned “What? Why not?” 

“You are still recovering Bones, and you were right, this expedition is very dangerous so despite I tried to cancel it Starfleet said it was not possible. I will only go with Spock and some members of the science team, I cannot risk anyone else there”

“No, please Jim, let me go with ya, deal or no deal?”

“Bones, please, you can't ask me that, you're still recovering of a brain parasite for God's sake”

“The parasite is gone Jim, I'm fine now, and yes Jim I can, because I am not going to stay here watching how you throw into death without doing nothing”, then he raised an eyebrow “Also don't ya think I did nothing else but sleep all day. As soon as I read your letter I knew you would go despite anything I would say so I've been reading Jim, and I found that moon has natural deposits of certain minerals that can be practical to treat some illnesses”

Jim sighed “You still haven't finished the sealing medication cycle Bones, and this moon is very dangerous. What if something bad happens there?”

“We have each other” the CMO answered fervently.

Jim shook his head “Bones, when you were unconscious we crossed paths with a ship that had been missing for almost seventy years. Starfleet believes it's no coincidence and it can be part of a bigger plan”

“For that same reason Jim I know I have to go with you, please?” Leonard said with an edge of finality that scared Jim.

Jim knew denying Bones’ company would end in another fight but there was no way he would risk his best friend's life in that forsaken moon. He was _the_ _captain_ , it was _his_ expedition, everything that happened there would be _his_ responsibility. So he finally looked into those hazel anxious eyes and let out the words he never wished he had to say.

“Bones, please understand, that moon is no place for you”

“So, is it for those who are going? Leonard asked, hurt painted all over his face.

“Bones, you know it's not like that, but I can't take you with me, your place is here, on the Enterprise”

Leonard's face twitched, hurt and anger flashing on his face. “I get it, _Captain_. I'm just a useless doctor,” he said harshly and walked away.

Jim closed his eyes, tears forming behind his closed lids “I'm only trying to protect you, Bones” he said, but Leonard didn't turn around.

*-*

Three days went by and their situation didn't improve on the slightest. They were now avoiding each other and that was making them both feel at the edge.

They sat apart in meals. They averted his gaze from each other when their eyes met by accident. And now the crew was noticing it too.

“Zi keptin seems sad” Chekov commented as he split his beef.

“I would say the same. Leonard seems to not be talking to him” Uhura added.

Sulu took a gulp of juice “I just hope they hadn't argued”

“Believe me, nothing scares me more than seeing Jim fight with Leonard or Spock. You are not simply yourselves without each other, don't you Spock?” Uhura said.

“Your observation is valid Lieutenant” completed Spock, and despite he already knew the whole thing he had never been into gossips so he remained silent about the matter.

“Hello” suddenly a cheerful greeting made all of them turn around. They hadn't seen him coming.

“Captain,” they said in unison.

“Sorry guys, would you mind if I join you?” Jim asked, trying to act like it was the most relaxed day on his ship.

“The pleasure is ours,” Sulu said.

“Thank you,” Jim said smiling as he sat down.

“It is nice seeing you smile more Keptin,” Chekov exclaimed happy.

“Oh I believe I smile the whole day”

“Really?” Uhura said raising an eyebrow.

“Okay, guys, why don't you just keep talking about whatever you were talking before I arrived? Jim said in a hurry.

“Captain, they were exactly wondering why you have not been smiling so much these past days,” Spock said honestly.

Chekov and Sulu looked down slightly ashamed, their Vulcan friend sometimes let them looking like fools. Uhura tried to think about in what to say.

“Oh really, so is my smile so famous you really keep track of it? Jim said, ignoring the evident concern of his friends.

“Nevermind Jim, what's up with Leonard? You both seem distant, I don't know” Uhura suddenly said unable to hold her emotions back.

At the mention of the doctor's name Jim's posture changed “I really don't want to talk about it,” he said clenching his jaw.

“I am sorry Sir, that was inappropriate. My apologies,” she said feeling like crap for her outburst that probably ruined the only moment Jim had tried to relax. She now knew.

“It's okay,” said Jim but now his eyes seemed off as he ate his sandwich, and were they glassy?

“Hey guys what about playing monopoly tonight” Sulu offered, trying to fix the situation.

“Yes please,” Chekov exclaimed.

“Count with me on that too,” Uhura said swallowing her guilt.

“I would decant for chess but I presume I can try monopoly,” Spock stated.

“I'm sorry guys, I can't, I'll be doing paperwork” Jim excused.

“In that case, I can assist you before I go to play monopoly, it's my assumption you are tired, Captain” offered Spock.

“Thanks Spock, I appreciate that,” Jim said enveloping half of his sandwich on a napkin. “Thank you guys for your company, I'll have to go now” he added, forcing a smile.

No one was able to question Jim about his half-eaten meal, they just looked down as he walked away.

*-*

Leonard had finally returned to work despite he was still on medication, at least the next day he will officially take his last dose. He had been tending patients as usual despite the horrible headache he had due to sleep deprivation, which in fact had nothing to do with the parasite thing, blame Jim for that.

He was forcing himself to remain calm but as time went by he felt more and more anxious. He had been checking the medical condition of all the crew members who had been selected to go to the expedition next day. The problem was that he hadn't checked the captain yet and he knew it was just a matter of time the charming man would make his entrance in sickbay.

Truth be told, he was still deeply upset for what Jim had said. It hurt him like hell knowing after all those years his best friend doesn't consider him brave enough to walk beside him in that moon.

He felt useless, discarded, and forgotten like a soda bottle thrown on the side of the road, but what truly tormented him was the fear that Jim would get hurt on that moon, fear that he wouldn't make it to his side on time, fear those bright baby blues would cloud to never see again. God, his nightmares had only worsened since their last argument and now they were haunting him in broad daylight too.

“Doctor McCoy, Mr. Spock's here” Chapel called.

Leonard breathed deep and wiped away the tears that had inadvertently formed on his eyes “I'm on my way” he managed to say.

 _At least it's just Spock,_ he thought as he walked towards the consulting room where the Vulcan was waiting.

“Doctor McCoy, I am glad to see you” Spock greeted, instantly noticing his friend was a way too pale.

“Glad to see ya too, Spock. How're ya doin'?” Leonard said as he put his gloves on.

And Spock wondered how Leonard managed to speak as usual “I am perfectly fine, doctor. I am here only to comply with the expedition protocol as you may know”

“Of course I know, green blooded-hobgoblin. Now let's start the exam, sit here” he huffed, pointing a gurney.

Spock raised an eyebrow ready to refute that statement but he decided to let it go, he was sure the good doctor had to be making a great effort to tend to him so he sat as he was told and Leonard started running the tricorder all over him.

“You're fine,” McCoy said after some seconds.

“As I told you I was, doctor” Spock pointed out and the CMO rolled his eyes.

“Leonard, I suggest you going into an immediate medical test, you look sick” The Vulcan suddenly stated looking his friend in the eye.

McCoy frowned, touched by the use of his name, “It's nothing, maybe what I ate didn't sit well in my stomach. Thanks for the concern, though”

“Doctor, it is good you to remember concern is a human emotion, Vulcans do not worry”

“Whatever you say,” Leonard chose to say, too tired to start a debate “I'm gonna apply you some medication so your oxygen levels increase Spock, the full effect will be seen tomorrow, ya know, just in case ya need to stay more time than what's planed in that piece of space garbage”

“Thank you, doctor, I am grateful we can rely on your expertise and gentle care, without you, all of us would be long dead,” Spock said, offering his shoulder.

A knot formed on Leonard's throat “Thanks man, that means a lot to me,” he said as he gently pressed the hypo against Spock's skin.

“I was merely stating the truth, doctor"

“Yeah, yeah I get it,” he said before Spock could make fun of him “Now we're officially finished”

“Thank you, doctor,” Spock said standing up and heading to the door.

“Spock I hope you…” Leonard said but he trailed off, internally slapping himself for his outburst.

“What is it, doctor?” Spock said turning around.

“No, it's nothing, see ya later,” McCoy said quickly, but his Vulcan friend only raised an eyebrow “You are clearly troubled, what is it, Leonard?”

McCoy took a shaky breath and looked to a side “Listen, I... I...” and he swallowed dry, it was getting harder than he had thought.

“Spock, take care of Jim tomorrow, please,” he finally said, his eyes unwittingly turning glassy.

Spock felt a wave of sympathy towards the doctor “I will take care of him Leonard, do not worry” He answered observing the CMO now looked about to break down.

“Thanks man, I really appreciate that”

“You are welcome, Leonard” Spock said heading to the door.

“And Spock?”

“Yes, doctor?”

“Take care of yourself,” McCoy said, a soft smile on his lips.

“I will, doctor,” Spock said, and Leonard noticed the Vulcan's eyes were warmer than usual.

*-*

“Oh my God, Len, you look like shit”

“Don't worry Geoff, m'kay” Leonard said trying to walk past the doctor.

“Like hell you are. Let me check on you, maybe it's a reaction to the medicine” Dr. M'Benga said forcing him into a gurney.

“Alright” McCoy huffed and M'Benga started to check him with his tricorder “Hmm, your vitals are just fine, no reaction to the treatment, but maybe it's been enough for today. I'm relieving you now Len, you should go to rest”

“Geoff, ya see, it's nothing serious, I still haven't checked on Jim”

“You're pale as a ghost man, you're not fit for duty. I'll tend to the captain”

Leonard sighed, he had wished to see Jim to try to fix things up but when a new wave of dizziness struck him he gave in, it was useless to check Jim if he was not mentally clear, he could even miss something important, and M'Benga was an excellent doctor, Jim would be in good hands.

“Kay, check him but remember his allergies, I know we've been injecting the landing party with epoetin alfa-epbx but Jim's allergic to it, please inject him with epoetin alfa-epbx2, you can call me if you need help, the kid's body is an expert of messing up with known medicine”

M'Benga smiled “Oh Len, I hope you both can sort things out, you worry too much about each other”.

Leonard looked down “I would have liked to see him” he admitted.

“I'm sure everything's gonna be okay Len, maybe he'll check on your quarters later, who knows? He must be feeling as bad as you are now”

“Don't think so, he's been so distant”

“Len, he barely left your side when you were stuck in here, he deeply cares for you and you know it”

“Whatever,” Leonard answered quickly “Geoff if you need anything just call me, thanks for everything,” he said walking towards the door.

“It's all right Len, rest well,” M'Benga said, a bitter feeling spreading on his chest. 

*-*

“Yes, Spock, he must be furious with me because now my medical check was assigned with Dr. M'Benga,” Jim said pushing his food away “He never does that” He added, his eyes glistening.

“That is not completely accurate, Jim. There is 95.4% probability Leonard McCoy won't tend to you due he is emotionally compromised” Spock said “And you have barely eaten, Jim” he added raising an eyebrow.

“That was I said, Spock,” Jim said frustrated “And I don't feel hungry”

“You misunderstand my words, Jim, I am sure the doctor is unfit for duty,” Spock said, deciding it was better if he not forced Jim to eat more. He had been trying to help Leonard and Jim sort things between them but all his efforts had been in vain. Still he had to try. He had to make Jim visit Bones that night, he was sure they both could finally fix things up. 

“How do you know that anyway?” Jim exclaimed irritated “M'Benga says he has been fine these last days, today he went back to work”

“Jim, today I saw Doctor McCoy in my medical check, I assure you he was not fit for duty, he looked ill”

Jim immediately frowned “ill? The parasite again?”

“I do not know, Jim, he was pale and looked on the verge of collapsing”

“Why didn't you tell me this before, Spock” Jim exclaimed with frustration.

“I did not want to disturb you in the middle of the shift Jim, so I informed Doctor M'Benga” 

“Oh for God's sake, Spock, you should have told me!"

“I am sorry Jim, it was not my intention to cause you distress” Spock said knowing he had pushed the right button. Leonard and Jim's weakness was the deep concern they felt or each other. Now he only could hope things turned for the better.

Suddenly Jim's PADD lit up

_Medical appointment starts in 5 minutes, set time: 1830, Dr. Geoffrey M'Benga, cubicle 2, Starship USS. Enterprise._

Jim sighed, he had wished to see Bones. He wasn't sure if he would be able to step in that moon before fixing things with him, what if that was the last time they see each other? No, that's not gonna happen, he said putting those thoughts aside. He swallowed the lump on his throat and stood up “I must go now, see you later, Spock”

*-*

Leonard's heart banged in his chest as he looked frantic at the transporter room pad. Suddenly a blue-white haze filled the room and he sprinted into the man that lied on Spock's arms.

“What the hell happened!” he roared as his eyes scanned Jim's body, quickly inspecting the horrific injuries with his tricorder.

“Doctor, there was an explosion and the captain was fully hit by the blast,” Spock said in a rush.

“Goddammit, we have multi-organ failure” he exclaimed, his eyes watering as he shoved a tube down Jim's trachea “And where the hell is the gurney!”

“Here doctor” Chapel said sliding it below Jim.

“Prepare the operating room right now” He commanded his team through his comm “Scotty beam us direct to sickbay!”

The next hours went by in hellacious agony, almost in slow motion.

He forced himself to not look at Jim's face as he worked, he knew very well how unlikely was that someone survived something like that, but Jim was not someone, he was his fucking best friend, the one that had already cheated death once for God's sake, and of course, there was no way he would ever give up on Jim.

Like that he managed to stop the massive hemorrhages, restart Jim's heartbeat more than once, and slowly put him back together.

Finally, he stared at his work, exhaustion numbing his body. He had resected Jim's spleen, sutured his liver, intestines, left kidney, and right lung, that without saying he had inserted more tubes in Jim than what he had ever put in someone.

Now his usually steady hands trembled as he looked at the crazy readings of Jim's monitor.

_What if something goes wrong?_

_What if all of this it's just too much to Jim's body?_

Suddenly a keen beep was all it was heard.

“Dammit, Jim! Why ya always have to make things harder! Star CPR again!” he commanded.

“Don't ya fucking dare! Ya hear me!” He exclaimed as he placed his hands on Jim's chest. “Chapel, I'll do the compressions, you take the breathing” he shouted, ignoring the fact five hours had passed and he still was drenched in sweat and blood, _Jim's blood_.

“No pulse doc” Chapel strangled voice stated after some minutes.

“Let's go for another cycle”

“Don't ya dare kid, don't ya fucking dare!” he exclaimed as he pushed Jim's chest, cracking a rib in the process. “Shit! Gimme the defibrillator”

“Here, doctor”

“Set it in 300 Joules” he ordered as he frantic placed the pads over Jim's chest.

“Everybody to a side!”

“Charging”

….

_Ready_

“Clear”

“Still no pulse”

"Back to CPR!"

“Let's go for another round”

"Give me 1mg of epinephrine"

"Dammit, Jim! C'mon, you'll fight!" He said shooting the medicine into Jim's bloodstream but Jim's heart didn't respond “Don't ya dare, don't ya fucking dare, not after all we have been through!" Tears spilled down his cheeks. His arms hurt by the effort. His brain pointed out the evident truth but he resisted giving in, he concentrated in repeating orders over and over and over.

"Gimme 3 mg of atropine"

"Back to CPR"

"600"

"Charging"

“Shut up those fucking alarms!”

"Clear!"

"CPR!"

"Doctor!"

"Epinephrine!"

"Doctor McCoy!"

"Leonard!" "He's..."

“No, he's not, he'll fight! Ya hear me! You'll fight Jim!” he screamed pushing Jim's chest “Two rounds more!” he roared.

“Doctor!"

"Leonard! Stop!"

“Push harder!”

"Leonard, please! You'll collapse! It's been 50 minutes! He is… he is... he's dead” Chapel stated, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"He. is. not. Don't ya dare to say that! Let's go for another cycle!”

"Doctor McCoy, the Captain died exactly 55.4 minutes ago, there is nothing else you can do" Spock's tense voice materialized from somewhere.

"You'll not give orders in my sickbay! Get the fuck outta here insensitive bastard!"

"Leonard! Stop, let it go, it's useless!" Chapel's voice implored.

"What are you all waiting for? Gimme 2 more milligrams of epinephrine!" he screamed, maintaining the CPR.

Rage tears fell down his cheeks when his team didn't follow his orders. They all just stared him with glassy eyes. He shouted. Suddenly strong arms were holding him back, leading him away from Jim.

“Get the fuck outta my way!” he yelled kicking with all his force whoever that was restraining him, the movement caused the grasp to lose and he pounced over Jim's dead body.

“I'm not done. For God's mercy let me do my job! Where's the epinephrine!”

Seconds after a discharge of electricity traveled down his spine and he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, but he fought back anyway, he had to save Jim. His vision tunneled and next time he opened his eyes he was throwing up, clinging to his quarter's toilet with trembling hands, he was suffocating, he was choking.

And again strong arms held him as he gagged. A wet cloth pressed gently against his face. Warm fingers wiped his tears away.

"Sh, sh, I've got you," a gentle voice said.

But he couldn't dare to calm down, not after what had happened, no when there was nothing in the world that could fix that. He dry-heaved as sobs wracked his body.

“Hey, hey, it's okay, it's gonna be okay,” the voice said, the wet cloth now cleaning his mouth and chin.

Then someone was pulling him close, soothing circles were running on his back "There's nothing that can harm you now, you're safe, 'm here”

"I couldn't save him, ya don't understand" he whimpered.

"No, no, hey, hey nobody has died _Bones,_ wake up!" the voice said, this time shaking him.

"Couldn't even tell Jim goodbye, he… he was mad with me before…before this” he gasped “And now he's dead, dead because of me”

“NO!” Jim breathed, his eyes filling instantly with tears at the realization he was the cause of so much pain “It didn't happen, I'm right here Bones, wake up!”

“I couldn't, couldn't save him” he wheezed, sobs blocking his airway. And once again he was choking, black dots danced behind his closed lids.

"Bones! Oh God open your eyes!" the voice sounded desperate now, grabbing his face.

But It couldn't be, It had to be his brain playing him pranks cause there was no way Jim would be there.

"Hey, hey, wake up Bones! WAKE UP!”

It was now clearly Jim's voice, he even could notice panic there.

Fine, he would try to open them, it didn't matter if he was hallucinating, he just didn't want to cause Jim distress. He would do it for him, and if his head wanted to play games he would cooperate just to look into those blue orbs one more time.

_One last time._

Suddenly a burning pain crossed his cheek "Dammit, Bones! It's an order. Open your eyes for me!"

And finally his eyelids snapped open, revealing a blurry silhouette kneeling in front of him, holding his face as a thumb caressed his cheek "It's okay, it's gonna be okay, I'm here, Jim's here" that achingly familiar voice said.

“Why did ya leave me?” he panted, tears clouding his sight. Maybe he was now in the afterlife with Jim.

But Jim just pulled him close “Oh Bones, I've not left you, and I'm not ever gonna leave you, I'm stuck with you forever," he said, gently rocking him against his chest “Just breathe, breathe deep for me”

So he did what he was told, letting Jim's scent fill his starved lungs. He drew a stuttering breath trying to hold back his emotions but failed when new sobs emerged from his throat "Sh, sh, it's okay. It's okay, it was a bad dream, but it's over, it's over now" Jim whispered hugging him tighter, tangling his fingers on his hair.

Slowly things started to clear, and suddenly realization hit him like an ocean wave. Now he could remember _everything..._ Their precarious reconciliation that had ended in another fight, three fucking days without talking to each other, the long hours on sickbay, Spock pointing out he needed medical attention, M'Benga relieving him of duty… He had gone to rest on his quarters but a horrific nightmare was all he had got and now…

He pulled away from the embrace, grabbing the blond's face just to confirm he wasn't dreaming anymore.

“Jim, you're here” he muttered.

“Yes, I am” Jim said, tears welling up too from those cerulean eyes.

“I'm so s'rry Jim. For everything" he breathed, burying his head on Jim's neck, afraid Jim would reject him now he knew he had finally awoken, but Jim just hugged him tighter "There's nothing to be sorry for, Bones, it's me who's sorry, I’m so sorry for everything I've put you through, forgive me" Jim said, pressing his cheek against Bones' head "I wanted you to know I won't let you go with me because I'm afraid, you are the most precious gift life ever gave me and I cannot lose it, Bones, what would I do without you?"

“Don't ya think I feel the same for you, Jim?" he said clinging into him "I'm so fucking scared, hell, you died on my dream _again,_ I don't want that nightmare becoming real” 

“Oh Bones,” Jim said, his heart wrenching “Forgive me for all the pain I've caused you, for everything I've put you through,” he said tangling his fingers on Leonard's hair “but I assure you I will make everything on my power to not let that nightmare be real again”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Jim said.

And then Bones smiled. Finally smiled “Kay kid” he whispered and closed his eyes just taking relief on Jim's embrace. They stayed like that, hugging each other until their anguish finally vanished.

“C'mon let's go," Jim said pulling him up after several minutes. "You need to change those clothes, Bones”

Leonard looked himself for the first time and he noticed he was drenched in sweat “God, I'm so sorry for all this mess, Jim” he said ashamed.

“I've done worse, you still cannot beat me there,” Jim said smirking.

Bones chuckled cleaning his eyes.

“Feeling like taking a bath, Bones? We can go to my quarters, you know, so you can use my shower, I mean real water"

"Oh Jim you're so kind, there's no need"

"Please Bones, let´s go" Jim implored.

"If you insist, I can't object then,” he said smiling “but first gimme a sec,” and he turned around to grab his toiletries.

“Okay,” Jim said from behind as he picked some clean pajamas out of Bones' closet.

*-*

Gentle wet droplets traveled down his body. Leonard closed his eyes, breathing deeply, enjoying the sensation.

Jim had been so right, he had no idea of how much he needed this. The sonic shower was so far from real water, a priviledge only the Captain could have.

 _Crap how could I forget my shampoo,_ he thought when he closed the faucet.

"Hey, Jim can I use...Nevermind” he said turning slightly red, glad Jim couldn't see him.

"Of course Bones, take it, the soap too and everything you need" Jim answered as if he was reading his thoughts.

“You're the best,” he exclaimed taking the pot and chuckling when he read the ingredients' description.

_With chamomile flower extract, honey and argan oil you'll have the perfect hair everybody will envy._

“Not my fault, I was born that way,” Jim said cockily from outside.

Leonard rolled his eyes “Or maybe you won't be it anymore Jim, cause I'm 'bout to steal ya the perfect hair podium. I've just discovered your secret” he said smiling wide as he massaged his head with Jim's shampoo. 

"Oh, in that case, you cannot miss my hair mascara, I apply it twice a week"

“You're such a girl, what else do you apply? Maybe soft creams and lip balm?”

Jim's laugh echoed on his ears "It was just a joke, Bones"

And Leonard found himself laughing again as water washed out the last imagines of the nightmare.

*-*

They spent the next hours snuggling on the couch, pretending to watch a movie but really just enjoying each other's company, but when the clock struck 2230 and they started dozing off, Bones got up much to his own dismay. Truth be told he was afraid of sleeping, he didn't want to get another nightmare.

“Where are you going?”

“It's getting late Jim, you need to be wide awake tomorrow,” he said, not sounding very convinced.

“Stay here tonight"

Bones sighed "You must be tired as fuck Jim, don't wanna bother you even more"

“You have never bothered me Bones. C'mon stay with me, just like on the academy days," he said settling on his bed.

And Bones found he couldn't argue. He had wished that so long time ago. He had just not known how to ask for it, he had missed Jim hella much "If you say so,” he said smiling, settling in too on Jim's huge bed.

“Your bed can hold an elephant," he remarked, spreading his tired limbs on Jim's clean sheets.

"Now you're making me feel bad Bones, when the expedition ends I'll study the possibility that all crew members can have a bed as big as mine, especially you"

"Nevermind, Jim” Bones suddenly said, looking into Jim's eyes “Thank you, for everything"

Jim smiled "Thank you Bones for being with me tonight, I wouldn't be able to sleep without you here anyway, these past days I've been crying myself to sleep,” he admitted, his cheeks tinting a light shade of red.

“Oh Jim, you're such a baby, come here,” Bones said reaching out his hand, pulling him against his chest "Just as the academy days, kid"

Jim hugged him back and closed his eyes in content. Just when he was about to succumb to sleep Bones broke the silence "Promise me you'll come back here in one piece tomorrow"

"I promise," Jim said, and a smile drew in Bones' lips. They would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To digitally draw I used Ibis Painting X and I'm telling you I love it. I'm just a beginner in this digital painting thing but this app it's so good it actually helped me to finally draw something less cringy.
> 
> You can also follow my art on Devianart. Here's the link: https://www.deviantart.com/angelrose27. I'm also in Tumblr as @AngelRose27
> 
> Hopefully I'll draw more in the future (if there's any scene or idea you want to see drawn for this fic just let me know and if I like it too I'll draw it )  
> Hugs for you all and I hope you´re doing fine :)


	4. Left behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the WhumpBones' time has finally come! 
> 
> Hi, y'all I am so sorry for the delay. I feel I took ages to post this one, I've been very busy and I am afraid that will only get worse so I won't be able to post more often. BUT that doesn't mean I will abandon this fic, because that's just not gonna happen (at least if I am alive), so if you're patient enough we'll complete this story bit by bit :D
> 
> I will try to post every month, but if things start getting complicated I might take longer. The thing is I will post as soon as I can because I just love writing and I love these boys and I cannot stop thinking about them so be sure this will be completed at some point ;)
> 
> Today I have another surprise, two fanarts: one of the STV-0019 moon landscape and the other of WhumpBones! yay. To properly see said drawings please slip the page to the sides so you can see the whole pic.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this as much as I did while writing it :)

**Chapter 4: Left behind**

“See ya, Jim,” Leonard said holding Jim's gaze as the transporter began to energize them.

“Till later, Bones,” Jim replied with a warm smile, and just for a second Leonard felt his worries vanish.

 _Jim will be okay,_ he thought, at least the kid finally seemed determined to fulfill his promise. With that resolve he went to sickbay and decided to start doing inventory, it was not one of his favorite activities but he needed to keep himself busy enough to not let his brain think too much about Jim and the expedition.

About twenty minutes had passed when his comm chirped.

“Spock to Sickbay”

“Doctor McCoy here, tell me Jim's alright,” he said in a rush, his guts twisting.

“Yes Doctor he is, but I am afraid to inform you we need your presence on the surface, a member of the science team got her right lower limb stuck on a rock formation and we have not been able to move it”

Leonard frowned "Jim ordered this? Yesterday he would have fried my kidney if I had suggested that. After all, I'm a doctor, not a stone breaker, Spock. Are you sure you can't move it with your Vulcan strength?"

"Doctor, I think you should know I can easily reposition it but I do not have the proper technique and expertise to do it without risking to chop nerves, or compromise tissues. The logical answer is that we need to beam you down here, the captain is not pleased but we have no other option, Spock out”

Leonard resisted the urge to curse at Spock and his polite insults only because he knew there was no much time “Alright, I'll see what I can do, I'm on my way” he said. 

“No Len, let me go,” Dr. M'Benga interrupted, “You're still not taken your last dose of the antiparasitic, remember?”

“Don't worry Geoff, this won't take too long, I'll be back in a few minutes,” The CMO said taking his medical kit and sprinting out of sickbay.

“At least let me give you the Epoetin injection Leonard!”

“There's no time!” exclaimed McCoy from the hallway.

*-*

Hell, he hated transporters, he had never liked the idea of those machines messing with his atoms, they never failed to make him nauseous. But when his surroundings finally cleared all his discomfort disappeared at the spectacle unfolding before his eyes.

Translucent white sand covered the entire surface of the moon that was sprinkled with huge rock formations and blue acid pools, small but deep. Alien flora also grew from everywhere, feathers adorned their branches instead of leaves in a gorgeous palette of rose, amber, and violet.

“You gotta be kiddin' me” he exclaimed sliding down the rock where he had landed. They had been wrong, the moon _did_ harbor life, at least in a vegetal-like form.

He could see the landing party almost 200 meters away, their small silhouettes contrasted sharply with the colossal peaks behind. Scotty hadn't been able to beam him exactly where Jim and the team were because of the magnetic cloud above.

“Bet it's just 'bout time somethin' bad happens” he huffed jogging to their direction, looking carefully where he stepped, he didn't want to end up with his whole body in an acid pool.

“There you are,” exclaimed Jim walking towards him when they were close enough to recognize each other.

“Guess the universe is startin' to listen to me Jim, who would have tell I'd finally be beside ya. This place is stunnin' but don't let your guard down, appearances deceive”

“Don't worry Bones everything will be just fine, look at the weather! Don't tell me it's not as perfect as a sunny day in Georgia,” Jim said smiling wide.

“No Jim is not”

“Alright, whatever you say, Bones” Jim said hands up “As soon as we help Sue out of that ditch you can go directly to the Enterprise, come here,” he said leading Bones to the fallen scientist.

Leonard kneeled down pulling out his tricorder.

“Thank God it's not that bad,” he muttered studying the readings. At least the damage wasn't something severe, she would need to rest at least a week but she would be alright.

With expert hands, Leonard maneuvered the affected limb out of the trench and fixated her leg with an immobilizer.

“Oh doc, I'm so sorry for making you come all the way here,” she said, his cheeks burning.

“Don't worry Sue, that's why I became a doctor,” McCoy rasped with a smile “Do you think you can walk with help?”

“I guess I can,” she said. And he proceeded to gently pull her up. “I'm carryin' her to the Enterprise, Jim,” he announced.

And Jim nodded, but before Leonard could even give a step forward a low blare like the crashing of thousands of starships make them all turn around only to discover that a massive fog of who knows what covered the horizon and was moving towards them in terminal velocity.

“Shit, told ya, Jim” Leonard huffed holding Sue.

“To the beaming point everybody!” Jim ordered.

“Doctor McCoy, let me help you,” Spock said taking Sue from Leonard's arms, lifting her completely as they all started running.

“Dammit! I knew this shitty place was hidin' somethin'!”

“This was expected Doctor,” Spock stated, running behind him.

“Tell that to Jim” Leonard protested.

“Scotty! Tell me you can beam us all now!” 

“Cannot Captain, with the cloud's magnetic interference you'll end with yer atoms in another galaxy, move to the rock”

“Shit! Run faster, that thing is approaching so quickly!” 

Leonard felt he was on a marathon despite that less than a minute had passed. Now the distance they had walked in complete awe seemed to be stretching up.

“Faster Captain, your signals are getting weaker,” Scotty announced.

“Move, move everybody!” 

Suddenly their sight clouded and the temperature dropped at least ten degrees.

“Goddammit! We were hit by that thing,” Leonard complained breathless, the running clearly affecting his still recovering organism.

“Bones, are you okay?” Jim shouted trying to locate his best friend through the haze, but the fog was growing denser.

“M'kay,” Leonard answered loud enough for Jim to hear, pushing himself hard, ignoring the burning pain that exploded on his chest as he ran.

The temperature dropped even more, and Leonard started to shiver despite he was moving, the air prickled his eyes, _dammit! Just run Leonard!_ He told himself.

Suddenly massive shadows appeared flying over them, darkening the already foggy atmosphere.

“What in the fucking hell,” he muttered through gritted teeth.

“Captain, it seems there are some kind of advanced creatures riding giant pterodactyls,” Spock's voice declared from somewhere.

“We're under attack!” Leonard heard Jim exclaim.

“Scotty!” Jim screamed discovering in dismay that at least a dozen of those flying creatures were there. “Sulu! Fire to the creatures!”

“But the prime directive…”

“They are pointing their phasers to us, Spock! Fuck the prime directive” Jim yelled already firing to the beings.

“Give me a second, Captain!”

“Sir, our phasers aren't penetrating the cloud,” Sulu tense voice declared.

“Keptin It seems the cloud is made by some kind of element our civilization has not yet discovered”

“Arghh they hit me!” someone cried ahead and Leonard instinctively tried to follow the voice but he couldn't see, the fog too cold, too dense, it was hard to breathe. He was now following his crew by the sounds they made, he had lost complete sight of them.

_Crap, I should have let Geoff inject me with the epoetin, Dammit if I only…_

“We need the Enterprise firing back! Do something guys!” he heard Jim shout too far for his liking.

“Jim, I cannot keep going,” he panted stopping for a second to catch his breath but Jim was now too far to hear him, the team moved forward quickly letting him behind.

“Shit” he muttered trying to keep the pace but failing, his tired limbs forced him to stop once again. His head pounded at the effort.

He sprinted again only to feel his palms and knees connect the cold sand, _Goddammit stand up Leonard!_ He commanded himself trying to follow his team just to fall again after three steps with his lungs burning.

“Don't stop! To the rocks everybody!” Jim's voice ordered in the distance.

“Jim,” he breathed through the oppression on his chest, his brain already foggy and sluggish “Jim,” he screamed trying to not panic when his voice didn't come louder than a whisper.

“Jim!” he tried for the last time with an urgent tone as a sharp pain exploded on his side, then his eyes seemed to slip shut on their own accord and still Jim was not there.

*-*

“Captain, I guess I've got ye all,” Scotty announced.

“Thank God,” Jim breathed still firing to the creatures from the rock, holding a hurt xenobiologist “See Bones? At least we're finally making our way back home,” he said as the familiar white-blue haze of the Enterprise enveloped them.

“Bones?” Jim exclaimed alarmed when that southern accent didn't reach his ears. “Hey, WAIT! Bones! Where's Bones?” he shouted trying to peek through the mist, but he couldn't see more than two steps from where he was standing.

“I thought he was beside you Captain,” Spock answered from somewhere in the fog.

“What? NO!”

“BONES!”

“Scotty! We lost Bones!” Jim screamed.

“Can't hear ye well Captain, the interference's getting intense, hey! Stand still I'm trying to beam ye up”

“Don't move from here,” Jim ordered to the xenobiologist as he slid from the rock.

“Captain, Jim!…”

“I'm not leaving without Bones, Spock!” Jim screamed wild, already sprinting out of the beaming area.

“BONES!”

Phaser blasts and pterodactyls brushed past Jim as he headed back on his tracks but he didn't stop, his heart grew heavy with every second that passed without finding anything.

“Captain! I'm losing your signal!” Scotty yelled through the comm but Jim didn't even hear.

“BONES!” was all Jim could scream as he desperately scanned the dense air. His chest hurt at the realization he had left behind the person he loved more than his own life.

 _How could I_ … Dammit! He'd find Bones safe and well and then they would make it back to the ship and Bones would start cursing and…

"NO!" A scream erupted from Jim's throat when the shadow of a limp form appeared some meters away.

He pounced to the figure.

“BONES!” Jim gasped, his heart almost stopping when he noticed the translucent sand was already stained in crimson red.

Blood was pouring out of Bones' side and mouth “God, no, no, not you, not you,” Jim wheezed sliding a hand beneath Bones' head, pressing his already trembling fingers on the doctor's carotid.

A small wave of relief washed over Jim when he felt Bones’ still-beating heart beneath his palm.

“Hey, hey, Bones! C'mon,” Jim said desperately shaking him but Bones’ head only lolled aside.

“Scotty! Beam us up now! Medical emergency,” he shouted through his comm, pulling Bones' flaccid body against him, suppressing the panic that overwhelmed as he held his best friend's lax head firmly.

But to his utter shock static was his only answer.

“Dammit!” Jim screamed looking around. Bones' medical kit was nowhere to be seen, it must have been lost in the escape.

“Stay with me, Bones, stay with me,” Jim prayed blinking repeatedly to clear his vision as he reclined Bones on the sand. He ripped his shirt off in one swift movement and started applying pressure on the wound, panicking even more when the flow didn't seem to slow down.

“Dammit! You know better than this!” Jim muttered his eyes full of tears, trying to not look at the amount of blood escaping between his fingers despite his efforts. “Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare Leonard Horatio McCoy” 

Shit. Bones didn't have one more second, he was already too pale, he would die right there on his arms if he didn't move quickly.

“You'll fight, Bones, that's an order,” Jim said as he tied the knot harder and with renewing resolve he pulled Bones’ right arm around his head and lifted him up. Immediately he started running towards the beaming point.

“Scotty!” Jim shouted, surprised he could still do it with Bones’ heavy body over him. Adrenaline always made people stronger.

“Hold on, Bones!” Jim commanded as he ran the fastest he could, ignoring the numbness that threatened to paralyze his legs.

Suddenly a massive shadow passed dangerously close to him, trying to grab them both. Jim turned around, his eyes wide, a deep roar escaping his throat as he directed his phaser energy to the creature that had just appeared from nothing.

And despite the mist, he clearly saw a tall grayish alien riding the massive beast. He could even see it crack a wicked smile.

“Die you motherfucker!” Jim screamed firing to it, quickly repositioning Bones against him, covering him with his body.

“ _Human!_ You look pathetic. Let me help you,” the tall alien spat in perfect English as the beast rammed at them, grasping them both on its massive claws.

Jim yanked to his right shooting to the beast’ chest. The pterodactyl-like creature lurched to a side but didn't stop, it's powerful wings lifted them up with ease.

“You'll pay for this!” Jim roared shooting again to the alien's head but to his utter horror, his blast didn't penetrate that monster's skin.

“SILENCE!” The alien spat and then Jim felt a sting on his neck followed by impenetrable darkness, instinctively he grasped Bones against him, screaming in panic as his vision faded away.

*-*

"How you dare to bring me a prisoner in this state Litiroux!" An 8’ feet alien snarled "He's practically agonizing!"

"I wasn't the one that shot him, Sir"

"Don't you realize we need all our prisoners fit and well so we can USE them?”

"The blond man refused to let him go Sir so I grab him too, at least we have one prisoner in perfect conditions,” Litiroux exclaimed defensively.

“Maybe you did something good after all,” the leader said with his claw on his chin, “Dismissed," he added with a grunt turning to leave.

“Sir, and what about the blond man? He's in room five. If you want I can carry him directly to the mines so he starts working immediately"

"ARE YOU BLIND?!" Reticuly roared.

“I don't understand"

"He's a Starfleet captain you brainless dick! We need to study him carefully so we can figure out a way to get what we want from him. He must remain sedated till then!”

“I…I get it, Sire” 

“And now go and fix this dying piece of shit! He'll be an invaluable information source about the captain. It's all yours if you manage to save him”

“Thank you so much” the grayish alien said, a tiny smile on his ugly face.

“And Litiroux…”

“Yes Sir?”

“Find who shot him. He must die. Two Starfleet senior officers worth more than a hundred of you incompetent brainless curs”

“Yes Sir,” the alien muttered sneaking away.

*-*

Spock looked frantic at the transporter pad as minutes passed and still the Scotsman said he hadn't get anything.

All the landing party members had been successfully beamed up except Jim and Leonard. Spock forced down the anguish that threatened to break his perfect control “Scan the surface as soon as the storm it's over” he ordered.

“Aye Sir”

*-*

An excruciating pain radiated from his side, instinctively he put a hand there only to grasp bandages all over his torso.

 _What_ _the fuck,_ he thought trying to sit down, but he couldn't. He was restrained on a bed somehow.

“Jim”

“Who's Jim,” suddenly a hoarse voice answered him.

He held his breath for a second but then he desperately tried to move, the pain made him wince.

“Easy prisoner, you just got out of surgery”

He felt his breathing pattern increase as memories of what had happened hit him at once. Oh God, where the fuck he had ended. He tried to see who was talking to him, but the room was barely lit, he couldn't see well.

"Call me master," the voice kept saying and suddenly he was also about to throw up “Relax human, don't need to panic if you decide to play nice” 

"Where am I," Leonard rasped.

"Oh, so you do have a voice. I thought surgery had left you dumb"

"Ain't gonna repeat myself. Where the fuck am I," he demanded.

“Hold your tongue piece of shit, don't forget who's in charge here. I saved your life, I own you"

“Y'all gotta be pea-brained to mess with the Federation bastards. As soon as this crime reaches their ears they'll kick your asses so hard you'll wish we had never crossed paths!”

“The Federation is just a bombastic worthless name _human_ , but nothing more, look, your captain or whatever you worship there on Starfleet left you behind. You were barely breathing. I found you and I fixed you… You should be thankful,” the voice said with fake compassion “You see, this moon is full of dangers, the air out there is toxic but as I already told you here you'll be safe if you decide to play nice"

Leonard's heart banged on his chest when he caught sight of the tall alien standing beside him "Shut up putrid lizard!” he spat.

A creepy laugh resounded “I never imagined from all prisoners I'd have I would get the one with a big mouth which is in fact quite interesting, now tell me human what were you doing here?”

“We're explorers,” Leonard answered trying to not wince.

“I see, and what exactly were you exploring? Because officially this moon is uninhabited,” the alien said walking on his line of sight.

“We were lookin’ for some minerals practical to treat illnesses lizard, now let me go,” he wheezed averting his gaze off the repulsive alien.

“Ha! And you suppose I'm gonna believe it? You humans are pathetic”

“Then why do you ask”

A sudden pain split his lip and he tasted iron “Don't forget I am the one to decide over your future prisoner. Like it or not you'll learn to behave”

“Over my dead body,” Leonard spat despite panic was all he could feel.

That disgusting laugh echoed in the room and once again sent shivers down his spine. “Oh no, no, no, that won't be necessary, I want you _alive._ I'm even starting to like you, life was getting boring,” the grisly alien said taking Leonard's hands and despite the CMO tried to fight he couldn’t, the restraints prevented him to do so “Sh, sh easy boy, I've been studying you…You've got beautiful hands,” the alien said and suddenly that repulsive claw was on Bones' chin too “And this rosy lips of yours so pretty too. Are you also skilled with them? Maybe you're not useless after all, we can find a job for you”

“How ya dare to say that sonovabitch! You'll pay for this!” Leonard yelled trying to grasp free with all his might, the alien finally taking his claws out of him.

“Not my fault you fell in the wrong place human. And don't forget as soon as you can walk we're meeting boss, he'll tell you exactly what is the best job for you,” and with that the alien got out of the room.

“Fuck,” Leonard exclaimed throwing his head against the hard mattress.

Suddenly an overwhelming need to check his wound and see what exactly those assholes had done on his insides took over him, he tried to see but he couldn't move. His eyes filled with tears but he bravely blinked them away. Jim and Spock must find him, he had to keep himself sane till then. 

*-*

“So he lives?” The tall alien said on his throne-like seat, his bony fingers caressing a golden goblet.

“Indeed Sir, I was also shocked he didn't die”

“Interesting. Any special findings on him?”

“He's the most aggressive human I have ever met, he refused to tell anything, but as far as I know he's a doctor Sir, his name is Leonard McCoy and he's the CMO of the Starship Enterprise. I grasped that out of his mind when he was unconscious”

“A CMO you say?” the alien said swallowing a sip of wine.

“An obstinate one, Sir”

Reticuly broke into laugh “Poor lamb, he doesn't know what he's getting into,” then he licked his lips, “Now I remember the case of Michael, he was almost like this at the beginning, who would have guessed he finally was going to give in and betray his captain, I just cannot wait for this doctor to do the same”

“I'll make sure of that, Sir”

“That's my boy, so tomorrow bring the doctor here, I have an offer for him and maybe he can work for our interests just like Michael did without ending mangled or something. If he refuses then we'll show him the hard way”

*-*

Strange voices surrounded him but he couldn't open his eyes, he felt something was forcing him to remain unconscious.

Drugs! There must be drugs, but how or why they had ended on his system he had no idea. His brain refused to give him information. _C'mon Jim you cannot just lay here! Open your eyes_ , he told himself fighting against whatever substance he had on his blood.

The sound of boots entering the room made his senses stand on red alert, but he still could not move, nor remember what exactly was he doing before.

“Why are you this late Michael! Sedate him right now! He's awakening!” an alien voice growled.

“Litiroux is just an incompetent dog Drayko, he must have given him an incorrect dose, it was supposed he should have knocked him out for at least five days”

“Why all these security measures with this prisoner anyway? Mustn't he be working on the mines already?” the alien spat.

“He's a Starfleet Captain, he must remain deeply sedated until the other prisoner reveals their true intentions. Don't blame me, Reticuly's orders”

_Wait, what?_

_Where he was?_

_Who's the other prisoner?_

“Really?” Drayko rasped “He's too young for that. Nothing like the one that once was your captain Michael, do you miss your crew?”

“They let me to rot, Drayko. I knew Starfleet protocols ordered that, I was going to die after all, but still”

“I'm glad they let you behind otherwise we would have missed your knowledge” the alien grunted.

“Thankfully those wounds have scarred despite sometimes I miss being the kind scientist of the USS. Hullux I once was, life was so simple back then”

_BONES._

_No, no, no this cannot be happening._

“You took a wise decision Michael”

“It feels nice living many years without showing aging signs. I was given that opportunity, I took it”

_NOOOOOOO_

“Shit Drayko! Give me the needle! He's moving!”

“BONES!” The word exploded from his chest with the force of dynamite and his eyes finally snapped open.

“SHIT. Hold him still! Goddammit Drayko, why didn't you call me sooner!”

“What you have done with my friend?!” Jim shouted kicking with all his force his captors but a tall alien pinned him against the table and then a needle pressed again on his neck “I'll kill you bastards!” Jim managed to spat just before his vision blackened again.

*-*

“Doctor, I am so glad to see you alive,” Reticuly said with a leg up on his throne.

“How do ya know who am I,” McCoy groaned trying to break free from the shackles.

“We have other methods to obtain what we want, _human_ but we prefer asking politely. Tell me _Leonard,_ what were you really doing here?”

Bones felt his blood run cold.

“What? Surprised doc?” the alien said smirking.

“I already told the chicken-ass-licker everything, ask him” Leonard spat, glad his voice didn't falter.

Reticuly slid down his throne in one swift movement and grasped him roughly by his neck “You must learn to respect your owners, slave! Tell me what were you _really_ doing here?”

“Told ya lizards we're explorers!" Bones wheezed "We just wanted to find some minerals with healing properties, let me fucking go!”

“FINE! You asked for this!” Reticuly yelled taking him by his psi-points. Leonard tried to frantically pull away but that beast’ grip was stronger than he had thought.

“Let me in!” Reticuly demanded.

But Leonard rejected the intrusion with all his might despite it hurt already, he woulnd't betray Jim, nor his crew, nor Starfleet “Get off me fucking reptile,” he muttered through gritted teeth.

But the pressure only increased sending waves of pain through his head and spine, the agony made him gasp “There you are,” the alien said as he pushed further, more and more, finally exploring his mind.

Blinding pain exploded inside of him as his mind tore apart by the force of the meld “Stop it, stop it please,” he implored between gasps feeling blood already running down his nose.

“Not yet” he heard the cold voice declare but he was starting to lose conscience, the world was quickly fading away, breathing was difficult.

 _I'm sorry Jim, I'm so sorry,_ he thought as darkness swallowed him whole.

*-*

He woke up to the feeling of being dragged.

“Here is the prisoner, Sir. Sorry I am late but Litiroux burdened me with this piece of carrion” an alien voice said and then the bastard shoved him in the middle of a room, the movement was so sudden he didn't have time to react and ended with his face on the floor. A whimper erupted from his throat against his wish as his whole body contorted in pain. He was sure the wound on his side had reopened.

Suddenly heavy boots entered the room “Be careful with my slave Drayko or you'll pay me for him! I want him ALIVE! He's mine!”

“This dog is almost dead Litiroux, why do you care for a piece of rotten meat anyway”

“I said HE IS MINE”

“ENOUGH!” He heard _that_ terrifying voice again. He hoped Reticuly wasn't going to give him another mind-meld. He wasn't sure if he could survive another. 

“Hello, Doctor” The voice greeted him.

 _Fuck not again please_ he thought trying to open his eyes but he couldn't find the force to do it, the pain was too intense to do so.

“I said hello,” that voice repeated and suddenly that beast was lifting him up by his neck, almost choking him. Now he really wanted to see Reticuly just to spat him on the face but he couldn't, he felt his head lolled to a side instead.

“If we let pass some days he will be better trained to answer as you deserve, Sir”

“NO! We'll discuss it now!” Reticuly roared “And you piece of shit open your eyes! We have many things to say, I didn't think you were that weak, you fainted last time we talked and I hadn't even started!”

Leonard tried to speak but only a grunt left his mouth.

“Look doc, I have a proposal for you,” Reticuly said letting him go, and Leonard felt his legs buckled beneath his weight as he collapsed on the floor wheezing.

“You can work for us creating serums” the alien kept saying.

“S…peak clear lizarrrd cos I don't read minds” he mumbled.

“I told you Litiroux! Our prisoner was listening! And you were right, he's so feral despite being so weak, thankfully that's not a problem we cannot fix”

“Can't wait to make him my personal slave Sir, I'm getting all excited just imagining how much it would take to break such a vibrant personality” the sick alien groaned and Leonard felt nauseous. Hell, how he wished Jim, Spock, Uhura and all of his friends were there just to kill all those snakes at once and for all.

“No Litiroux, you won't do that _unless_ he refuses my offer…”

“But you had told me he was all mine if I managed to save him, Sir”

“Yes, but I didn't know he was a CMO Litiroux! Such knowledge cannot be ignored and threw by the window. He must work for us!”

“You're sick” Leonard muttered, acid burning his stomach.

“Do you like what you hear doc? Listen, this factory process dilithium as you bastards on Starfleet _obviously_ guessed, otherwise you and your crazy captain wouldn't have come all the way here for something less important!” Reticuly yelled close to his face and that was enough to send him at the edge of a panic attack. He felt his senses numbed even more.

“Did you hear me, Leonard? I said our prisoners must go and dig the precious mineral with their bare hands. What you say about that?” that beast said shaking him but he couldn't bring himself to care. He felt his consciousness slipping away despite he could still grasp bits of information.

“If they spoil our beloved dilithium then smugglers won't pay us for that… So we synthesize medical serums … We keep them conscious enough to work but not too much to rebel against us, miss other life or even remember where they came from…You can join us producing said serums, doctor … I promise I'll set you free and you won't be like this… I mean, look at you, you cannot even stand!”

“What do you say doctor?” that horrible voice whispered on his ear again and he couldn't take it anymore, with the little force he had he spat that monster on the face.

“How dare you!” the beast roared taking him by his neck, this time really choking him “I wanna let you know I am not killing you right now fucking human because you belong to Litiroux! But don't worry, he'll make your life a living hell!”

Pain overwhelmed him as he met the floor for the third time, his world vanished almost immediately but just before consciousness totally abandoned him he heard that beast still say “I want you to think about the offer Doctor McCoy. Litiroux will inform me about your decision” then his eyes slipped shut and he knew nothing else.

*-*

“Did you scan the mountain range already, Spock?” Uhura asked with glistening eyes caressing Spock's right cheek.

“I have worked tirelessly in this past days Nyota but all my efforts have proven futile” Spock answered taking her hand and kissing it, almost as distressed as he was when Vulcan was destroyed “Starfleet will send here a rescue mission but they are scheduled to arrive in twelve days even traveling at warp factor nine”

“Oh honey, I know we're in the middle of nowhere but we cannot give up hope. We must keep looking for them”

“That is what I am doing Nyota, but find myself greatly conflicted, the probability to find them already dead is one of 98,2%”

“Jim and Leonard are experts at defying logic Spock, if there's still a 1.8% for them to be alive then that's enough, they have survived with less. Jim already came back from the death my dear, that's gotta mean something”

Spock looked down “Humanoid life forms cannot withstand such extreme conditions for more than 24 hours. Even if Jim manages to survive I fear for Leonard”

“Why do you say that Spock?”

“Knowing the doctor I am almost sure he did not take the epoetin injection he administered to every member of the team”

“God,” she gasped.

“I was the one that insisted we needed him on the surface, I did not remind him to take the medication first, and on the flee I neither realized he might need help, I should hav...”

“It was an accident sweetheart,” Uhura interrupted him swallowing her panic, she knew all too well Spock would start blaming himself for what had occurred and she could not let that happen “You did what you believed it was logical darling, is not your fault those fucking aliens attacked us. But please we cannot give up hope, not with them Spock. They must be trapped somewhere. I know they're waiting for us, I am sure” she exclaimed with conviction.

“Then you're right ashayam” Spock conceded, then he frowned as realizing something “That is likely to be what happened to the USS. Hullux' crew”

“The ship we crossed paths with some days ago?” she asked confused.

“Affirmative. If they are waiting for us then they must be held captive in some kind of advanced structure with a modified atmosphere”

“Oh” Uhura exclaimed, eyes wide open “Then go right now to the bridge, Spock, there's no time to lose, we must find them”

“That was what I was going to tell you ashayam,” Spock said swallowing the strange knot on his throat and kissing her goodbye.

He didn't like the idea of Jim and Leonard captured by hostile aliens, but it was certainly better than to think of them already dead. He could work with that.

*-*

“This is your last opportunity, Leonard. Are you sure you want to refuse the boss's offer? Because if you don't then you'll be all mine and you know that” Litiroux said smirking, his heavy boot resting on his shoulder, forcing him down.

“I already gave ya my answer brainless dog!” Bones spat trying to move away from the additional pressure, his wrists already swollen at the shackles' grip. 

“Good boy, but Reticuly insists we need your talent so he made me bring here someone that once was in your position. Guess who?”

Leonard clenched his jaw.

“Michael!” the alien exclaimed with fake excitement “The genius scientist of the once USS. Hullux, the only survivor of that crew! He'll tell you first-hand how this works. So Michael start this quickly cause I'm getting impatient”

“Address me properly Litiroux or I'm sending you to the dungeons” he heard a human voice say harshly.

Leonard frowned, in the past days Jim had said they had crossed paths with a ship that hasn't been seen for almost 70 years…but there was no way a person could be alive after so much time, well unless... they had found a formula to do it somehow... it wasn't the first time someone had done that.

“Hi doctor,” a blond human entered the room interrupting his thoughts. His complexion remembered him so much Jim's. Instinctively he lowered his gaze trying to suppress the utter misery he was sure it had reflected on his eyes, hell how he missed the kid. 

When he looked up again, he discovered a coldness on that man's stare that totally made him forget about the similarities.

“You're a traitor!” he roared.

“Don't judge me that fast doctor, don't you think this was easy but this was the only way I could save my life, and I assure you this isn't as bad as it sounds”

“What you do in this factory is outta this world you vile curs, you force innocent people into this butchery! This is a crime! How could you…” and he trailed off unable to continue.

Dammit! he needed Jim, he needed Spock, he needed his friends, he was so fucking scared and that alien leg on him weighed a ton. 

“I know it's a hard decision to make Leonard, I went through that too,” the human said kneeling to his level.

“Why do you even try to convince me fucker, kill me now” he spat, his side hurting. He had peeked into the bandages that morning to find the wound refused to heal properly.

“Because we need your medical skills, Leonard, we need your knowledge and expertise and you need us if you want to live, this is the only way both sides win or you'll become one of those people you saw there on the mines, you'll forget who you are and the people you love forever _”_

“What do you think the people that once loved you would think of you if they saw the monster you've become Michael! They would have preferred seeing you dead!”

“Don't ever call me like that asshole! This is nothing of your business!” the ex-scientist shouted slapping him hard as he stood up, and Leonard noticed the man looked slightly shaken by his words “Litiroux! Would you mind if you let me alone with the prisoner for a few minutes, there are some things I want to discuss”

“Whatever” the alien complained taking his leg off him and he had the impression that scum hated every moment of it. 

As soon as they were alone Leonard noticed that whatever remorse that had been on Michael's face had completely disappeared being replaced by a blank mask only compared with Spock's natural face.

“You must learn to put yourself first sometimes, Leonard” Michael started “Let me guess, maybe you're the kind of person that's always there for everybody, sacrificing every centimeter of yours to others, and I get it cause I used to be like that too…” he said looking him straight into the eyes “But now tell me… why do you think _your friends_ left you behind?”

“We were attacked by this fuckin’ lizard gang you have in here! We were runnin’ for our lives bastard, ‘course we had no time!”

"Someone who cares for you would never leave you behind, Leonard… Maybe nobody noticed you were missing until it was too late so they moved on just as Starfleet evacuation protocols order… maybe they don't care for you as much as you care for them, don't you think?”

“Bullshit! My captain would never leave me behind on purpose, he must be looking for me as we speak” Leonard exclaimed, hiding deep the sudden hurt that grew on his chest at the thought that Jim had actually forgotten him this time. He remembered desperately calling for him. But he didn't blame the kid, Jim was the captain, he had been leading the evacuation. It had been his own fault, he hadn't been fast enough. 

“No Leonard, you cannot deny that thought already invaded your mind. How can you be so sure anyway? Four days have passed and no one has come here looking for you. Listen I learned the hard way in this life no one is your real friend, we all are just passengers on the ship of life, we all are just trying to survive and you'll have to accept that sooner or later”

“A noble soul would have never chosen to damage innocent lives in revenge for what it suffered!”

“Don't get me wrong, I don't take pleasure in inflicting pain like these aliens do Leonard, I don't do this for revenge, I do this to survive.”

“Survive? For what? To cause harm to others? I rather die”

“Oh I also believe that would be a preferable thing doctor but I'm afraid this won't be the case. Maybe you don't remember but you were mortally wounded. Litiroux saved your life with the only intention to make you _his_ slave, so you better do what I'm telling you or this will be the end of everything you know and love”

Leonard felt himself breathing heavily, he was sure sweat covered his temple. All he wanted was to go back to the Enterprise and forget that nightmare. 

_Why are you taking so long Jim?_ He thought, closing his eyes.

Dammit, something had to be wrong, Jim should be there already. The kid was a fucking genius, his mind never took too long to figure out a solution. 

Who would have guessed he would be the one that would end up trapped, just some days ago the kid had promised he would come back safe and well but now that the roles had turned he had to endure, he could not let Jim down. He was sure he had to be looking for him, probably blaming himself for what had happened…

“I am warning you Leonard, these aliens are sadists. Even in the case you manage to survive their twisted ways, you will be so destroyed you won't even remember who you are”

“You once served the Federation, Michael! You defended all life forms, especially humanity, you gotta help me!” Leonard yelled, his eyes glistening.

“I'm showing you the way out, Leonard join us and you'll skip the pain,” Michael said coldly “And don't try to negotiate with me, it's been over 70 years since I was that innocent teenager, It's a lost cause”

“I won't prolong the suffering of others. I won't become a monster as you did! Look at you, you're an aberration! Leapin’ over life rules, takin’ whoev..”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Michael exclaimed slapping him for the second time “I already told you to not call me like that, bastard!”

“Litirioux!” Michael yelled, “The prisoner has a decision!” 

Leonard looked down forcing down his panic. Did he really want to forget who he was? Did he want to forget the sweet smile of his little girl forever? And what about Jim with his absurd death wishes and those vivid blue eyes? Dammit, and what he was even going to do without the hobgoblin that he loved more than he would ever like to admit, without Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, Chapel, M'Benga, and all the people he had grown to love?

No, he could not forget them. But would Jim and the others be on time to save him? What if that fucking creepy sick lizard … hell no, he wouldn't let that happen, he couldn't, he felt already different, that mind rape had left him with some vicious thoughts.

“So tell me doctor, did you already made up your mind?” That alien's voice almost made him jump. 

“Yes” he managed to say swallowing hard, “I think I can join you” 

Michael looked surprised.

“Fine. And may I ask what exactly made you change your mind?” Litiroux arched a nonexistent eyebrow.

“I don't wanna forget the people I love, they're everything I have” 

“Aww see Michael, I told you, this boy's so sweet despite his gruff manners,” Litiroux said, but then his voice got a dark edge as he grasped him by his chin “If you are trying to fool with us, doctor, I'll personally make your life a living hell. So you'll gonna go through that door, select three prisoners, and kill them using a serum we will provide. This will be your inauguration”

 _Goddammit_ , Leonard thought, now his plans had gone to dust.

“Unsure doc?” the alien said taking his claw off him “This is the unique time you'll be requested this, then you will just produce serums on our laboratory, you can even create new ones to lower our slaves’ suffering if that makes you feel better” he added chuckling.

“You sonovabitch! I rather die!” Bones exclaimed, his heart beating hard. 

“You won't die, Lenny. You'll be my little bitch” Litiroux said smirking and Leonard felt his blood froze “Michael! Would you mind if you hand me the metal collar? Let's start the party!” 


	5. Falling apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody!
> 
> I am so sorry for the long wait, I've been super busy but here I am, cause I cannot stop writing about my favorite boys! ^^  
> Today I am so happy to announce I finally got a beta! My dear friend maethebassclarinetist offered her amazing help! So thank you so much Mae, I wouldn't be able to post this chapter without you. <333
> 
> Additional note: This chapter was extremely difficult to write for me, contains detailed descriptions of torture and heavy angst. Still, I promise at the end of this chapter Jim will be there offering his comfort. After all, this story will have a happy ending so remember that :)

Leonard’s stomach lurched just smelling the amazing food his captors had for dinner, but he couldn’t eat. Not while that sick alien was forcing him to remain kneeling down at his feet.

“Aren’t you hungry, Lenny? I thought after a hard day of work on the mines you would be more compliant than yesterday. Eat.” Litiroux said, feeding him from his claw.

Leonard averted his face as far as the chain attached to his collar allowed him to. He wouldn’t let those lizards see just how broken and scared he was.

Reticuly chuckled. “Poor pup, he’ll starve to death.” 

“He will accept it sooner or later. Do not doubt it. Want to try dessert, Lenny?” Litiroux said, passing that horrendous claw smeared with some kind of ice cream over his lips. Leonard couldn’t take it anymore. Reflexively, he bit the reptile with all his force.

“Bastard! How dare you!” the alien howled, bringing a claw to his mouth to clean the purple blood that seeped out of his finger.

Michael clenched his jaw and concentrated on eating his meal. Reticuly broke into a laugh.

Of course, that angered Litiroux even more. Leonard felt the rough tug of the leash pulling him against the plate. “You will _eat_ , little bitch. I don’t like to be disobeyed.”

Leonard pursed his lips tightly, trying not to let the tears spill out. He wouldn’t let them see he was about to break down, he couldn’t.

 _Jim will come at any moment and then all this nightmare will be over,_ he forced himself to think.

“Stop it, Litiroux!” Michael suddenly yelled. “Give this man a break. He can barely stay awake, you sick fuck. You can try your twisted ways tomorrow.”

The alien stared at him, beyond offended. “What was that? As far as you’re concerned, he is mine. I will do with him whatever I want.” 

“Then take him away, and let our sensitive Michael eat in peace.” Reticuly said disdainfully.

“Fine.” Litiroux stood and yanked Leonard up, dragging him out of the room.

…

…

“All of this is your fault, fucking human!” Leonard heard as soon as he met the cell’s floor. “But you’ll learn not to disrespect me in front of others ever again.” 

Suddenly the alien was pressing something against his neck. “If you don’t _want_ to love me, Lenny, then I’ll _make_ you. I‘m patient. I can wait.” 

Then, the lizard closed the door and left.

*-*

Leonard’s heart hammered on his chest. As he sat on the floor of his cell praying for the release of sleep, the emotions that he had been suppressing rose up within him, threatening to strangle him, pulling him down, stealing even the faintest light of hope.

Maybe he had been expecting too much, grasping to the thought of being rescued, but now with each passing day his fears only worsened. 

Maybe his destiny was to die alone after all, alone as he had always been— before Jim, before Spock, before the crew he had grown to love as his family. 

Dammit, he had even dared to think one day he would pass away surrounded by the people he loved— maybe with Jim by his side, if the kid didn’t get himself killed before then. 

But now, that future might never come. He would die alone and forgotten, like a dusty book no one ever read. He would never hear Jo’s laugh again, or Jim’s voice calling him Bones.

 _Bones_ … the nickname that made him feel so special and loved…

_I can’t keep going like this, kid._

His bottom lip quivered and he pulled his legs up to his chest, embracing himself, letting the taste of his own salty tears be his only comfort. 

That night he did not eat either.

*-*

Nyota observed Spock’s silent silhouette hunched on the deserted bridge. Everyone had retired to rest four hours ago, but she knew nobody could actually sleep while Jim and Leonard were missing. They all had dark circles under their eyes. Even Spock wasn’t totally himself lately. His normally well balanced and composed answers were getting harsher by the day. 

She walked quietly towards him, trying to not disturb him, and laid her hand on his back. “It’s late, sweetheart, you need to rest,” she said, noticing how tense Spock’s muscles were.

The Vulcan turned around, almost as numbly as if he had been in some sort of a trance. “I do not need the same amount of sleep humans do, Nyota.” he whispered, soft enough that she almost couldn’t make it out.

“But surely you need it when you’ve been working nonstop for 36 hours, dear. If your mind is tired it will be harder to think how to find Jim and Leonard.”

Spock looked down. For a split second she could almost perceive the faintest glimmer of tears in his eyes. It was there for only a moment.

“Come on, darling, I know this has gotta be one of the hardest things we all have ever faced, but we can’t keep going like this. Please, Spock, take a break.”

Spock exhaled slowly “You are right, ashayam. But I will only take three hours. That would be more than enough to allow me to function adequately for another 36 hours.”

She sighed, knowing Spock wouldn’t cede a little more. “Come on then, honey.”

The Vulcan finally stood up. They both exited the bridge, walking side by side in silence. There really wasn’t much to say. 

Before taking the turbolift, she stopped by the deck room window and gazed at the stars, a silent plea in her already watery eyes. _If anyone is there, please help us to recover Jim and Leonard. We cannot lose them._

*-*

“Again, Litiroux?”

“I need something more potent.”

“I thought the dose I gave you yesterday was enough.”

“Not with him. He must learn to respect me. Right now his memories won’t let him surrender.”

“Did you perform another mind-meld on him?”

“I lost count of how many,” Litiroux chuckled, “But the bastard is stronger than I thought. If I don’t destroy his memories, Leonard will never be mine. That fucking captain is the reason he won’t submit. He keeps telling himself that at any moment Kirk will come and save him.”

“We both know that’s not gonna happen.”

“Indeed, but there’s no way I can convince him about that. That’s why I need more serum.”

“Be careful, Litiroux. You can damage his liver, brain or whichever sensitive organ humans have. If you do that, you won’t be able to enjoy his services.”

“I’ll worry about it later. I need him to respect and love me first. Give me what I need _now_. It’s an order.”

Soren clenched his jaw. “Don’t come here blaming me if any side effects appear on him.”

“I promise, I won’t.”

“Then sign here,” the alien grunted, handing Litiroux a book with official insignias. He knew very well how tricky the taller lizard was sometimes. 

Litiroux hesitated for a second but imprinted his name there anyways.

Soren turned around to start searching among his chemicals and potions for something to meet Litiroux’s request. He looked everywhere, moving pots and beakers of all kinds, looking on high shelves and under piles of documents. 

Finally, a smile appeared on his ugly face. He hurried to his desk and opened his personal drawer. “Well, I have this. I had almost forgotten it. It’s quite special because it never fails,” he said, taking out a small container with a blue liquid inside.

“What is it?”

“The most potent memory eraser I’ve ever created,” he said as he carefully poured part of the strange liquid into a small vessel, “Inject just one drop a day for three days. No side effects are expected at this dose, unless the organism is particularly sensitive to the substance”.

Litiroux's face lit up. “Good, any additional information?”

“Well, for better results you can use it while in a mind meld, but you must proceed with caution or you can kill him in the process. The full effect will be seen in two weeks. Remember that you have to be patient”.

“I’ll try to be careful.”

“Go, then,” the smaller alien rasped, handing Litiroux the bottle.

*-*

 _My name is Leonard Horatio McCoy. I’m the CMO of the starship_ Enterprise _. Jo is my daughter, Jim’s my best friend and captain, Spock is my first officer and my close friend too, Uhura..._

_“You’re driving me insane. Don’t try to resist, Leonard. The more you struggle, the quicker this will work.”_

_My name’s Leonard, Leonard McCoy, I’m ...CMO…Enterprise…_

_..Jo.. is… she is…My… Jim… Jim is… He is my…_

_My.. he is my…b..._

_He is…_

_“Relax, bitch, just let the serum take effect. It will be better this way, Lenny, you won’t suffer any more, you won’t have all those memories tormenting you.”_

_Jim… is_

_Is…_

_Jim…_

_“I’ve known since the beginning that your mind is an interesting place, Doctor. So full of memories, so full of people, but I never thought it would be so full of fears…”_

_“Why do you fear so much to forget them, Leonard? For what I’ve learned they don’t care for you as much as you do for them. Have you thought of that before?”_

_Sh- shut up bastard…_

_Jm…will come and…_

_“Oh, come on! James fucking Kirk was the one that led you here! He left you to rot, Leonard! Can’t you just see it! We don’t need him, he failed you, but we’ll be better. Just the two of us alone.”_

_Never…_

_“What kind of a friend is he?”_ Litiroux hissed, pressing harder into Leonard’s mind. _“After the unconditional support you always give him he barely listens to you, and it’s always been like that. You have no real voice on that ship, you’re only good for medical things. They let you stay with them cause you’re useful, but they don’t really care for you and you know it.”_

_B.. bulshit Jm is my is my…_

_“What, what is he?”_

_He’s…_

_He’s…_

_I don’t know…_

Litiroux’s laugh sent shivers down his spine. Leonard could not remember what all of this was about. His world was closing in, he couldn’t breathe, his mind was tearing apart and he couldn’t do anything about it.

_“Hey! Hold on, no fainting allowed! Stay awake, bitch.”_

“I was mistaken. He truly is stronger than he looks, isn’t he, Michael?” Reticuly commented, watching Leonard convulse at the force of the mind meld.

“Yes, sir. He is.”

“You look tense, Michael. I’ve noticed you look distressed whenever you see Leonard suffer.”

“I’m not a sadist asshole like your race is, and you know it very well, Reticuly.”

“If I didn’t know you, I would kill you for insulting me like this.”

Michael clenched his jaw. “You know you can’t kill me, I’m too precious to you.”

“You’re right about that,” Reticuly grunted, switching the weight of his body to his other leg, “The thing is, I have the perfect plan for the captain. Soon we will wake him up. He won’t be able to refuse my offer after knowing what happened to his best friend.” A wicked smile played on the alien’s lips. “We both need that favor, don’t we, Michael? You gotta help me with this.”

“I know, sir.”

“Do you miss her?”

“More than you could ever imagine. She’s the only reason I’m still here with you bastards.”

“Glad to hear you haven’t changed. I was starting to fear you would turn against me to help Leonard.”

“I’m not that stupid. I’m not gonna get myself killed for a man I barely know.”

“Good. Tomorrow night you will shove the sleeping captain into Leonard’s cell. Let him wake up on his own, and don’t chain him. The cell’s bars will be enough.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m dying to explore the bond Litiroux has commented both men share. It could be very practical to our interest.”

“Aye.”

“And, Michael…”

“Yes, sir?”

“Install hidden cameras. I don’t want to miss one single reaction. We must force the captain to accept this time. We cannot afford to fail again, we’ve waited long enough for this.”

“Whatever you say, sir.”

*-*

“This is what you get for being so rebellious, fucking bitch.” 

_No, no, please no,_ Leonard cried in pain. He couldn’t remember why his hands were so important. _Stop it, please, stop it!_ He tried to scream, but nothing came from his mouth. Tears slid from his cheeks, but the pain didn’t stop.

“You should have obeyed me since the beginning,” the alien snarled, increasing the force of the pressure, “Soon you’ll be all mine, all mine for me alone. Nobody will stop me.”

*-*

Whimpering sounds penetrated Jim's foggy brain. Slowly, the veil between unconsciousness and reality grew thinner, alerting him, making his heart race.

He felt himself break into a cold sweat as new sobs were heard. His blue eyes snapped open.

 _Bones,_ he needed to find Bones.

He sat straight up in a single motion, groaning as it made his head spin dangerously. He wondered if he was still dreaming— last time he had checked, he had been restrained. Now, somehow, his shackles were gone.

He put a hand to his forehead, trying not to let the tumult of thoughts send him back to unconsciousness. _._

_Slow breaths kid. In and out, in and out…_

_… Everything’s gonna be okay, just follow my voice._

Jim shook his head, biting his bottom lip to stop the tears. Why did his brain have to torment him like that? Bones’ voice resounded in his head as if he was really there.

Dammit, he couldn’t imagine living without Bones. Leonard had always been there for him— but when it had been Jim’s turn to take care of him, he had failed. Not once, but twice. First the parasite thing and now this… What kind of friend was he? If Bones was already dead he was sure he wouldn’t be able to take the blow, not when he knew it had all been his fault.

 _No, no, no! That’s not gonna happen._ _C’mon Jim, you gotta do something!_ he thought in rage, hurt and desperation.

Suppressed sobs echoed again.

“Someone there?” Jim said, jumping on his feet.

He walked slowly, trying to get his bearings. His own footsteps resonated in the big empty cell.

Forcing his eyes to adjust to the dark, he managed to catch a glimpse of a humanoid figure curled up in a dark corner facing the wall. 

“Who’s there?” he whispered, his heart hammering hard. He crept over to the form and-

_No!_

He would recognize him in a million universes. 

But what was it that his eyes beheld? If that figure bore no resemblance to his best friend...

Bones was reduced to a malnourished, trembling mass, covered in bruises and even burns. He was holding what seemed to be his broken right arm close to his body without touching it as tears silently slid from his closed eyes. And what was that? A metal collar? No! Dammit! _No, no, no, no this can’t be true_.

He moved his hand numbly towards Leonard’s shoulder, waiting for the moment he would break the spell to find he had been dreaming. But to his utter horror, the movement only caused Bones’ weak form to hunch into an even tighter ball.

The heartbreaking reaction was enough to completely shake off the last of the fog from Jim's mind.

“Bones, oh God.” Jim whispered, his voice breaking as he searched for Leonard’s face. His eyes filled with hot tears “Hey, Bones” he said, placing his hand on Leonard’s cheek. 

But Leonard flinched away from his touch, trying to break free like a wounded bird. “Sh, sh, I’m not gonna hurt you, Bones, It’s only me. It’s Jim. Let me see, let me see what they’ve done to you,” he implored, his hands traveling along Bones’ body.

But despite his efforts, Leonard struggled away in desperation, twitching his injured right arm even more.

Jim wanted to die right there. “Hey, hey, Bones! It’s me. It’s Jim. I’m here, ‘m here,” he said, taking Leonard’s face firmly between his hands.

After several seconds Leonard’s eyelids fluttered open. His unfocused, glassy eyes slid past Jim.

There was so much hurt and fear contained in Bones’ pained eyes that Jim could barely look at him. He blinked repeatedly “Bonesy, what have they done to you, my friend?” 

Bones’ face twitched in confusion, almost shock. Jim was sure Leonard didn’t believe him to be real. “Yes, Bones, it’s me, I’m finally here, forgive me please,” he said, bitting his bottom lip, fearing the moment his best friend would reject his touch as he had done before. 

But contrary to his thoughts, Leonard suddenly pitched towards him, a repressed sob leaving his mouth as soon as he touched Jim’s skin. 

Jim sucked in a shuddering breath and his arms flew protectively around his best friend's trembling form.

Leonard had lost so much weight. His back felt slimmer, so did his arms and…dammit…Bones was fully leaning on him. 

The fact that Bones wasn’t even trying to hide his weakness was an alarming red flag. Bones would always try to act strong, avoid physical contact and even joke through life threatening situations…but now he clung to Jim like a scared puppy.

Christ, he had never seen Bones like this. It frightened him immensely. “I’ll get you out of this, I promise, Bonesy,” Jim whispered in Leonard’s ear, wishing his embrace could cure him. 

In the thick silence of the night, only the ragged, convulsive intakes of air were heard as both men clung to each other. 

*-*

“The captain must be shocked, huh, Michael?”

“Judging by his face, he can barely think. It seems his worst nightmare has become real.”

“I have him exactly where I wanted. He won’t deny my offer.”

*-*

Rays of sunlight peeked from the doorframe of their cell when Jim felt Bones’ limp weight against him. 

“Hey, hey, Bones,” Jim whispered, patting Leonard’s cheek, “You with me?” 

He shifted their position against the wall, waiting to hear his friend’s voice. Bones didn’t respond. 

_Shit._

Jim’s whole body was numb. He had been holding Bones all night, but he didn’t care. Bones moaned constantly, despite being mostly unconscious. At least Jim had managed to wrap Leonard’s broken arm in an improvised cast he had made with his own clothes, but still...

He lowered his eyes and felt again the sting of tears at the sight of those slender fingers that he knew almost by memory so swollen and distorted. They made Bones' hand almost unrecognizable. And now, even if they managed to escape, how could he look Bones in the eye after this? 

He needed to urgently treat him, give him something for the pain, hydrate him, clean his wounds and smear ointments on his burns. He had banged against the door till his knuckles turned white early that night right after he had made Bones’ improvised cast, but no one had come to him.

 _Think, James Kirk!_ he told himself, letting his mind return to his wild plan to escape that shitty place. He knew by now there was no coincidence he had been allowed to wake up next to Bones, it all had to be part of a bigger plan. The bastards had to be just waiting for the perfect moment.

At least he had found his hidden weapons still there on his boot: a knife, a mini-phaser and his explosive powder. 

Bones would probably fry him if he knew it. But at that moment Jim couldn’t be more grateful he always had an ace up his sleeve. Anyway, the powder could only be activated with the liquid he had in his other boot; so it wasn’t as dangerous as Bones would probably think it was. 

Still, he feared it all wouldn’t be enough. He clearly remembered when that greyish alien took them on the pterodactyl creature. He was sure he had hit the monster on the head, but his blast hadn’t penetrated the skin. Maybe those aliens smeared some kind of substance over their bodies to make them invulnerable— there was no way living tissue could resist phaser energy. 

_I must find a way…_ Jim thought, and then a Bones’ whimper sent him back to reality.

“What is it, Bonesy?” he said brushing a strand of hair off Leonard’s feverish forehead. 

Bones’ eyelids fluttered open, but his eyes floated with no direction.

“We’re not home yet, but I hope we will be soon. I’m making a plan,” Jim said, swallowing hard.

This time, Bones’ eyes finally fixated on him. His mouth moved, trying to say something, but no words formed. A pained expression crossed his face and he closed his eyes.

Jim sucked in a deep breath, shifting his position, trying to make Bones more comfortable. “Just rest my friend, I’ll find a way,” he forced himself to say— for both their sakes.

One second later, Bones succumbed to unconsciousness once again.

 _Why wasn’t Bones speaking?_ Jim thought, running his hand nervously over Leonard's hair. For the past night, Bones had been trying to speak whenever he recovered consciousness, but nothing had come from his mouth. Was it the shock or something else? Dammit, he had never hated someone so much as he hated those bastards now. 

_I will kill you all!_ he thought in rage. He hated to see Bones suffering like that. Who knew what else they had done to him. The collar around Bones' neck screamed abuse. 

“I will take you out of this, Bones, or I’ll die trying” Jim whispered, swallowing the knot in his throat.

*-*

“Litiroux is furious at me,” Reticuly smirked.

“Of course he is. You stole the opportunity to spend the night with Leonard from him.”

“Indeed, but it was necessary. I needed to give the captain the false hope that if he agreed with us, Leonard would recover.”

“What the hell are they doing?” Michael exclaimed. “I knew it would be better if we left the captain shackled. If I’m not mistaken, this is the same man that kicked Nero’s ass three years ago. He’s dangerous.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. Move!” Reticuly grunted as the camera went black.

*-*

Their cell door opened and Jim pointed his phaser at the tall alien that appeared in the doorway. “You touch him, I’ll kill you,” he spat, covering Bones with his back. 

“Easy, easy, Captain, put your gun down. I promise, I won’t take your weapon if you decide to listen to me,” the lizard grunted. “You don’t want your friend dying, do you?”

Jim lowered his phaser just a bit. “This is the hour you show yourself, you coward! What the fuck did you do to him?” he screamed, his blue eyes impossibly bright.

“Glad to see you’re not dumb. I was starting to worry you hadn’t gotten my message— for the second time. I mean, an intelligent man wouldn’t have ventured onto this godforsaken moon, … not after I sent you the ship I confiscated 70 years ago. You should have listened to the poor doctor. The man was having nightmares before this happened, but now look at him,” Reticuly smirked. 

“Shut the fuck up. How dare you!” Jim screamed at the implication. 

“He chose the hard way, Captain, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t really want to mind rape him.”

“You’re a monster,” Jim pressed the trigger again, “Release us now or I’m pressing this trigger.”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible— not until you do me a little favor. Listen, Captain, my loyal servant Litiroux has been teaching that poor dog some manners,” Reticuly said, eyeing Leonard “Your doctor was positively feral. Luckily, he’s not anymore, thanks to our special serum that’s working wonders on his mind and body.”

Jim was breathing hard, he had thought about the possibility, but now hearing that openly made his whole being burn in panic and rage. 

“Wanna hear the worst part?” Reticuly grinned, passing a horrendous split tongue over his lips. “Soon Leonard will become a shell of his old self… unless you decide to put your senseless ass to work and change his destiny. You can do it if you agree to help me with something...”

Jim’s hands trembled as he held his phaser. He was ready to pull the trigger and kill the alien; but he knew he couldn’t. Not while Leonard still had that metal collar around his neck. “What do you want from me,” he spat.

“I want you to use your position in Starfleet to bring me back my quantum skip drive. Do it and I’ll fix the doctor.” 

“What?” Jim snapped, his eyes daggers. “You fucked up a senior Starfleet officer -which happens to be also my _best friend_ to ask me this? You’ve got to be kidding me!” 

“Your goddamn Starfleet stole that device from me!” Reticuly shouted. “It’s my right. I was building a time machine when your people started chasing me, saying such technology should not be developed. I was forced to hide here on this abandoned moon for decades. I started a dilithium factory with the hope to rebuild my machine, but I failed. I haven’t been able to find that special rock I found years ago; you will bring me the device they stole from me.” 

“Why the fuck would you do something like that? The past should be left alone!” Jim exclaimed.

“Have you ever wondered how it feels to lose someone dear to you and then learn to live without it, Captain?” the Dan’en, as that species was called, spat. “I lost my daughter thanks to your fucking Federation. I was trying to make things better. I almost managed to travel to the past to bring her back when the Federation ruined everything I had worked on for years!”

“If Starfleet decided to seize that from you, it’s because you clearly don’t mind leaping over life rules to your own interests. You have absolutely no right to punish innocent people for what happened to you!”

“All you Starfleet men are the same. You call yourselves the definition of progress, but you bring only pain and destruction to those who don't agree with your principles.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” 

“Michael, press the button.” 

“Stop it! Give me time to think!” Jim screamed livid, knowing that button was connected directly with Bones’ metal collar. 

“Wise decision, Captain.”

“I won’t allow you to hurt him further,” Jim said, quickly glancing at Bones, who was too far gone to speak.

“Do what we ask, Captain, and Leonard will live. We are the only ones that know the proper serum sequence to revert the damage he has sustained.”

“Prove to me that you’re not lying.” 

“It’s your decision, Kirk. You decide if you believe me and give Leonard another chance to live. Or, should you decide not to believe me, you’ll let your friend rot… It’s so sad how the good doctor resisted only because of you. Now that you’re finally awake, you’re letting him down.”

“Shut up, motherfucker. I’m not gonna fall for your psychological games. Give me three days and I’ll give you my decision,” Jim said, forcing down the acid burning his stomach.

“Three days is too many, human. I’ll give you one day…If you say no then I won’t hesitate to kill the doctor. I’m sure then you will try to get my device as a desperate hope to change the past.”

Jim swallowed hard.

“If you say yes, I’m inserting a tracking device in you to assure you’ll accomplish your mission without tricking me. Leonard will remain here until you do what we want. I’ll guarantee I won’t hurt him more. I’m taking him from Litiroux, you know— the alien that’s in love with your best friend.” 

Jim looked horrified at the lizard. “What else have you done to him?” he screamed, his blue eyes shining with unshed tears. 

“Oh no, no, not what you imagine captain, at least not yet. I didn’t allow Litiroux to rape him before speaking with you. I wanted to make you understand that Leonard’s future is fully in your hands. If tomorrow you still say no, then I’m afraid I will have to return Leonard back to Litiroux. This time, I won’t stop him from having his way, do you understand?”

“Monsters!” Jim screamed, unable to hear anything else. “Remove his metal collar and give me medical supplies to tend him. Maybe then I’ll consider your proposal.” he added, suppressing his wish to kill the bastard right there. He’d kill him later, after he came up with a plan. 

“You’ll have your request if that helps you to decide better, Captain,” Reticuly said, much to Jim’s surprise. “Michael! Remove Leonard’s collar and bring the captain some water and medical supplies.”

*-*

Jim’s heart pounded in his chest as he worked on Bones. He was terrified he was doing something wrong, but there was no way Bones could tell him what to do. He was completely out of it.

It also seemed Bones could not properly remember things— not even his medical knowledge. When Jim had asked him about what to inject him, Leonard had only stared at him, confused. Bones’ face had twitched, trying to remember, but Jim quickly changed the subject. All it did was make Bones anxious.

Now, he was tending Bones based on his own experiences in sickbay and all the treatments Bones gave him when he was hurt. Thankfully, his fear of hypos had helped him to recognize the elementary substances. He could identify the basic electrolytic injections. He knew that oxycodone was a powerful painkiller, and halicin was one hell of an antibiotic. In Bones’ words it could even kick elephant asses. Of course he also recognized epinephrine. He had been injected with it so many times for allergic reactions, and if he wasn’t wrong, the substance was also handy on cardiac arrest. He hoped he wouldn’t need to use it though. Still, he feared that what he was doing wasn’t enough to help Bones.

After hesitating for several minutes he had finally decided to inject Bones with oxycodone at exactly the same dose he had seen Bones give him many times. He couldn’t have done anything otherwise. He couldn’t work while Bones was moaning in pain. He had hoped against all odds that he wasn’t wrong. Luckily, it had worked. Leonard had visibly relaxed, despite his unconsciousness. 

Jim almost had cried from relief. This had to be the first time he had done something to actually help Bones.

 _I’ll be taking medical training after we’re out of this_ , he thought in resolve. 

For now, he worked on sponge-bathing Bones’ battered body, suppressing the constant waves of nausea he felt each time he discovered a new burn, wound or bruise on his best friend. 

Leonard’s neck had been one of the hardest parts to see. The collar was gone now, but the device had dug into his flesh so hard it had left marks all around his neck. He now knew it had been used as a choking device whenever Bones had refused to follow an order.

Jim had to stop his work many times to regain his composure. He was about to break down— but he couldn’t do that. Bones needed him, he had to be strong for him. 

Thankfully his efforts were paying off. Bones looked a thousand times better than he had before. At least Jim had managed to clean Leonard’s upper body and bandage him properly. 

Finally it was time to clean Bones’ lower limbs. Jim sighed deeply. This was going to be the difficult part. He had no idea of what he would find there. He hoped against all odds that Reticuly hadn’t been lying when he said Leonard hadn’t been raped. 

Just the thought made Jim's pulse speed up even more. He took a shuddering breath and carefully started to pull Bones' pants down. As he had expected, Bones immediately groaned and flinched away.

“Sh, sh, sh, I’m cleaning you Bones, I’ll take care of you,” Jim said, placing a soothing hand on the doctor’s chest. Bones relaxed a bit, allowing Jim to attempt to continue his work. But as soon as Jim touched Bones' hip again, Bones jumped for the second time, opening his unfocused eyes and trying to move away from him.

“Sh, sh, Bonesy, more painkiller?”

But Leonard shook his head weakly, his hazel-green eyes glistening.

Jim wanted to die.

"Okay, it’s okay. I’m here, Bones, let me take care of you. Let me see here,” Jim said, trying to resume his work. But Leonard covered his hip with his hand, shaking his head.

"It hurts there? I'll be careful, don’t worry, it’s me, I will never hurt you."

Bones averted his gaze and let out a pained sigh, not moving his hand from his left hip. 

"I know this is hard, Bonesy but I need to tend your wounds. I’ve got you, just close your eyes and relax," Jim said, his voice thick. Leonard tried to resist, but his consciousness slipped more and more. Jim decided to wait. “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay, relax, I've got you” he said, waiting for Bones to completely black out.

It didn't take long for Leonard to pass out.

Jim's hands trembled as he carefully pulled back the fabric above Bones’ left hip. He needed to see what was so wrong Leonard couldn’t share it with him. This time, Bones didn’t even stir and with relative ease Jim managed to finally pull down the pants and briefs' fabric.

The sight that welcomed him made his heart skip a beat. There, on Bones’ tender skin, there was a burn. But not a simple burn, no. Bones had been branded like cattle. 

“No!” Jim choked back a sob, staring at the horrific mark. There were three letters: LTX, big enough to clearly be read from a mid-distance. Around the burn the skin was also very irritated. Dark pink borders sharply contrasted with the crests the burn had caused. It had to be extremely painful. 

_Oh God,_ Jim muttered, feeling his face burn with hot tears. Now he understood why Bones had been so reluctant to let him see it.

"I'm sorry Bones, I'm so sorry, all of this is my fault" Jim whispered trying to block his upcoming sobs. He had managed to lead his best friend to this state. There was no way Bones would ever forgive him. 

With extreme care, Jim started cleaning the wound with antiseptic. Then he applied a topical antibiotic and covered the mark with gauze so that the friction with the fabric of Leonard’s pants didn’t irritate it more. 

He knew that even if they used a dermal regenerator on Bones’ hip, it wouldn’t be enough. He was sure M'Benga would have to remove part of the skin so the burn could heal well. Even then they would have to wait a long time for the wound to fully heal. 

“You’ll pay for this, you hear me!” Jim screamed in rage, punching the ground hard.

Between tears and nausea, Jim managed to slowly clean Bones’ whole body. When he was finished, he slid a hand beneath Leonard and pulled him to his chest, wondering if after all of that -if Bones survived and recovered, it would be the same between them. That truly had been his fault, he thought, he hated himself for it. Why he hadn't listened? Why he couldn't see it since the beginning? Bones had been right the whole time. 

Jim leaned back against the wall, trying to give his best friend the greatest possible comfort. “Forgive me, Bonesy, forgive me. Soon this will be over,” He whispered, trying to convince himself.

When he felt calmer he let his mind return to the last details of their escape. He already had the perfect plan.


End file.
